Sometimes you just have to give in.

Patience-Written while hiding in a bathroom at Equinox.

Ideas into fruitions, become a self-starter.
Taking control of one's life couldn't be harder.
Forget about the small things, why even bother?
Keep it simple, patience is key and always try harder.
Learning lessons along the way is essential.
So, take what you can out of every interaction in your existence as man.

All the answers to lives questions are buried inside.
Learning to listen to that little voice will finally make you feel alive.
Help you survive the day to day struggles--
Give you everything that this life can provide.

Dr. Andy Berk's Quantium Theory--A Journal Entry

"The notion of one reality or conscious plane of existence is inherently flawed. Time and time again, the model is borne out in our experience with self. The model of multi-dimensional existence of the soul is easy to comprehend if we ponder the ease with which we facilitate life and happiness with the concurrent shedding of the over burdening sense of self.

As such, our beings, individually and collectively exist, radiate and expand in multiple directions, along multiple planes of existence, all with a unique direction and outcome. This is how we dream, the state in which our souls collect and join into one.

Free choice, as a thought can only exist if there are multiple pathways down which the soul may venture. The key is the calibrate one's physical consciousness in this earthly reality to embrace all other realities in which our souls reside. As such, we will not only merge to one, complete and whole, but also with all others, the composite underlying, all encompassing force borne of the creator which defines all that is, was and will be." -Dr. Andy Berk

A year in review:

I am sitting here at a French Café in Brentwood, Ca burning sometime between clients. The only wireless signal that I can scrounge up is from the Starbucks next door. I cannot access it because it is a “pay as you go” deal. That’s fine. It seems that I am never fully bored when I have a hand, a pen (or laptop in this case). I feel like it has been a long time since I blogged here. Ive been cheating on blogger with twitter.

Nearly one year ago I started this fine digital masterpiece (ha). It was for a school project in Dr. Bae’s class. Oh, how I love that woman. Regardless, this year has been pretty nuts. I guess there is still one-week left, which I am highly optimistic about. Though, it seems most of the meat and potatoes are over. Everyone is on vacation—Wrapping things up.

Megan is in town. She drove a 6,000 mile round trip to come see yours truly. If that isn’t gratifying-what is? I love that girl more than I can begin to explain.

As you’ve read: I have evolved from a bright-eyed college grad to psudo suicidal basket case to an avid biker chick, mended a broken heart, fell in love a few times, smiled a lot more in recent months than I could remember. I moved cross country, picked up sweaty gym towels, made countless new friends and kept ties with the old. Rode in a Lamborghini. Changed careers, started my own business and actually make enough to support myself. Moved 5 separate times. And survived hell—Living in the guest house and not being able to afford food to eat. Oh, and I still have the body of a 16 year old. :D Aside from my personal financial crisis—Looking back at the ups and downs…Life has treated me well.

Its now a few days to the new year and my perspective is ever-changing. I am now homeless. My sister left me for her sugar daddy. He offered to pay all her rent. Cant much blame her I suppose. You can’t predict the future but you sure as hell can learn from the past. And to those monumental life lessons I have learned this year—I say, “Cheers! To 2008’s hard lessons, and 2009’s success as a result!”.

Family Portrait

thoughts into actions

Spectacular places, pretty faces, fancy cars, exclusive bars. Life used to be so glamorous--things used to be so fabulous. Times change, locations re-arrange, influences are variable, some of them better--others terrible. Through all of these changes, life's small and large occasions mind-set variations. Tired of the struggle. Out of the rat race. Success is not just your talent but knowing how to use it to benefit your brothers.

I am not great. I am just part of the human race. I have my faults and problems. But, rather than give up I will solve them. At least accept that I can use my talent to set me apart from the rest. I can be the best. I can have a big chest and be featured on your wide screen set.

Today's insecurities are brought on by yesterday's shortcomings. The lack of using my ability to become who I want to be. I put myself in a box. Hit myself in the head with a rock. Refusing to acknowledge what I have and then locking that talent up.

Now I am personally liberated. My fears have jumped ship and vacated, have been evacuated. I am on a six-week conquest. To make the better, the best. To give up all potential of regret and live the life that I request.

From this day forward I pledge to be who I am. Whether that means I eat roast duck in France or french fries from a Mc Donald's garbage can. I don't give a fuck what others think because they serve only in personal interest. With new found interest in my interests the sky is the limit.

Always Remember...

The porn producers drive Bentleys. Porn stars drive Mercedes.

VIVA NOVEMER!

After a long time of pondering...I realized what it was that I liked about getting into the personal training business--Starting a business.

I hate the fact that I am so obsesso with entrepreneurship. But, it is what it is and I am who I am, yes? I am not going to jump ship on my personal training empire. I still want that bitch to take off. This week I am back to hitting the pavement to pass out flyers in an effort to obtain new clients.

My new venture is Fugatu. I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks..good or bad. I am hell-bent on making this work. Julian and I started a viral media firm developing web apps that are used through social networking sites. We (I) sell advertising in the form of video player sponsorship, and 15 second ads both before and after the user-generated content is played. If we sell all three spots/video its about $1/play we will be bringing in. So, when we get 10,000 hits in a week that means we just made $10,000. Not a bad deal for a week's work. Mind you that is just one application.

I have tried starting similar businesses in the past but, found some problems with people actually following through. Tomorrow we will become a fully-functioning LLC. Its going to be a proud day...my first corporation. Shots of tequila for all! : )

God, I hope more than nothing else in the world that this idea actually pans out. It seems that the past year or so I have been plagued with ill-fated ventures. I will not make excesses for my actions (or lack there of). Though, I am willing to bet my retirement on this idea. If that isn't serious--not sure what is. Failure is part of success. I can tell you that I have lived many failures and learned volumes of what and what not to do.

I met up with Fabio last week and he is down for a trade agreement in order to promote Fugatu. This is huge. I cannot even begin to explain how exciting all of these developments are.

At this point in the game where I am a fucking slumlord...plotting and scheming in termite-infested, totally retro guest house. Success seems so far off. But, I have this feeling deep down inside of me--Its finally my time. I learned the value of value. I know what it takes. I know how hard you have to work, thanklessly. But, I know it will all be worth it. FUGATU, BITCHES. Hold me to it, please?

Also, little Jajoura has a mild obsession with my panties. She goes through all the laundry to find em and hides them under the bed in her little domain. Its kind funny, and strkingly odd at the same time. Whatever makes her happy I suppose.

Julian and I had a relaxing day at the park with baby dijajurno. It was nice. : )

This week is going to be chalked-full of training, promoting, networking, personal achievements, marketing and making cash money! Speaking of work...one of my clients finally paid me after 5 weeks! I never want to be this poor again. And I wont.

From the past...

I burn. I thrive on intellectual stimulation and creativity. I choose productivity over sleep. Engaging conversation gives my life purpose. I like to work out, laugh, smile, read, write and think.

You were in a vision. It was tropical, the air thick and the scenery absolutely gorgeous. There were giant fuscia and tangerine flowers blooming that contrasted beautifully against the lush green backdrop. We were meeting in secret about something. It wasn't clear what exactly. Others were gathered with us in a circle. There was a magnificent energy--almost an electricity in the air. All the blooms gave a sweet quality to the warm, heavy air. I tried to absorb all details knowing my stay here would be short. Though, feeling it in my heart and soul that this was not the first nor the last time I would see these strikingly familiar faces or enchanted landscape. I awoke.

NLP

The past 72 hours have been some of the most intense times of my life.

Mental fatigue--Information overload.

Once I regain "normal" cognitive function, Ill elaborate. My brain is starting to work in ways I never imagined possible. Nor have felt in a very long time. Never underestimate the power of auto-suggestion.

Chris Howard "Designing Your Destiny:" Day 1

Today was my first day of Chris Howard's seminar, "Designing Your Destiny." I must admit, it was a little bit different than I initially anticipated.

I walk into a foyer at the Hilton in Universal City to find a large population of older people (including one lady rocking out a moo-moo). This rather uncomfortable situation posed a rather interesting position for me. I was looking around to see my friend Barham (my friend that offered me the $5,000 ticket to this seminar), but couldn't find him in the rather unusual group of characters. Now, don't get me wrong: I thought some of these people were pretty cool. But, while waiting in the second line to register as a guest (a rather annoying scenario trying to find my way to the sign up)...I had SEVERAL people cut me in line. Given the content presented in these seminars, I was rather taken aback by the previously mentioned rude behavior. You'd imagine a room full of life coaches would understand how to wait in line. It was moderately shocking to see that they did not.

Anyway, after passing through what seemed like the gates of hell (perhaps it was my lack of glucose that shaped my perspective), I finally entered into a candle lit room. Now, I am not going to lie to you saying that all of this excited me. I would say that the moments that passed over the previous few days were full of more excitement and anticipation than when I entered the conference. I was there for a reason so I consciously decided to make the best of the day regardless of the fact that I thought this entire seminar seemed like bullshit.

It took me a good 3 hours to get into what the class instructor was saying. In all honesty, there was so much information being thrust at me I really can't even recall any details in the lessons. Good thing I have a 200 page guide book to refer back to! ;) Back on point--There were lots of hugs, congratulations, hypnosis, letting go, absurdities, visualization, etc. that we went over today. I learned how to decode my dreams. People were crying. Imagine gospel church meets self-help. We laid out our "Bullshit Story" of limitations, made a complete mockery of it and let it go by ripping the very paper it was written on and throwing it as the confetti to enhance our celebration of new found personal freedom.

I was guided through stories of what inspires me in both my professional and personal realms. I learned the two different worlds that I was living in and how I had to make the conscious decision to life in one or the other.

I was hypnotized into this transe where I saw my own destiny if I didn't live out my passion and my dreams versus the realm where I did.

I have no idea how to describe what I went through--Perhaps this illocial rampage will make a bit more sense after tomorrow's seminar. All I know right now is everything I once thought and believed was all my perception of my own reality. Now that I have broken though the boundaries that I placed on myself, my potential is much greater than I ever imagined. I went from being in a closed box to this entity of everything and nothing all at the same time. I can feel in my heart of hearts that something happened--There was a definite change in who I am now and who I was this morning. I am just not sure what happened or how I am going to move into action.

Until tomorrow...

A personal liberation struggle.

Rather than gossip, spit hate, spite and negativity. I will remain unaffected. Thank you Andy.

If death is the worst thing that can happen to me...and I don't fear death...Than I cannot fear what happens to me in life.

Round 2 of Book 7

TO LOVE LOVE; TO HATE HATE.

4 days of illness. Pretty sure at points--I lost my mind.


CHICAGO=Jobs don't define you.
LA=money does not equal one's value.

Centered. On the verge of insanity. Full of love, hope and understanding.

bangin'

Jesus Saves.

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

Changes

Today signifies the first day that I am back on track to get hot again. Eating shitty food, as much as I want, whenever I want is nice and all. But, nobody is going to want to train with someone who doesn't look like they know what they are doing. So, I am going to push forward, hardcore. I will not stop my diet/exercise routine until I have a six-pack. It is going to be kind of extreme...but I am not necessarily someone who backs down very easily. It is going to take a lot of pushing and mental strength. I am not worried. I got this.

Also, after reading a friend's blog who moved to New York the same week I moved to LA I had a realization that I really haven't done anything in Los Angeles. I have spent a lot of time in the same places: Valencia, Burbank, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills. I am in love with the ocean and I cannot even remember the last time that I went to the beach. That was one of the positives of working for myself...the fact that I could work from literally anywhere. I find myself sitting in a dark apartment working alongside Julian. I want to see and explore. There is a lot of culture here in Los Angeles. I need to experience it. I don't want to order Chinese from a block away...I want to go to china town. I want to eat exotic foods in diverse neighborhoods. I swear...I've pretty much only encountered white people thus far. I need to run down shitty streets at night. I need to have random conversations with strangers. I need to talk to homeless people. Life is all about the experience and somehow this got lost in translation.

I pray to whomever is running this show that I get my money back from wamu. I need to buy a bike. I think that you experience the world in a completely different way while your own power moves you though the streets. You get to experience the world from a first person standpoint. There is no further separation from what is actually going on. Getting back on those two wheels is going to be intense here. Especially, given the sheer amount of traffic and shitty driving, in conjunction with hills and my current lack of cardiovascular endurance. Whatever. It will be hard at first, it always is. I just have to push through and the love I used to have with my man-powered machine will fill my heart and soul again. God, I miss the wind blowing my bandanna-ed up pony tail. Maybe I'll even get a basket for the dog...

Its a new month. This past September was the worst yet. But, its all up from here. Its fall--A season of change. I welcome whatever the cool breezes will bring. Hopefully new clients, new opportunities and travel. Its been over a year since I have had a legit vacation. That is entirely too long.

Oh, and I am thinking an excellent way to network is voulenteering. People that volunteers usually have some cash. So, if I become friends with them I bet that I can gain a lot of clients that way. Ill keep you posted.

With Love...

xo

My battle with laziness and gluttony.

6 pack or die.

Nach-Yo-Ho, Nachos.

SLINGIN' 'CHOS

Last night was the first night of working at my nacho stand. I set up outside of Les Deux at about 1am next to all the hot dog vender's. At first--People were rather taken back by my innovate idea. Then, once we scouted a better location...the business started to really pick up. It was probably one of the most degrading moments of my life...but whatever. I made the initial investment back. My sister, Kristen, was a complete and utter bitch about it. She was supposed to join me last night on the corner of Las Palmas and Hollywood...but, decided to sleep instead. She threw a bitch fit about getting her investment back...although she put no work in. I told her that we made the money back (including the tips I collected)...Though, I kept $40 for setting up, standing outside for 2.5 hours and clean-up. We have enough supplies to set up again tonight to make the rest of the investment back. I offered to work the stand for her...but expressed that it was rather unfair that I stood outside while she slept. If I had not gone out...all money invested would have been lost. Plus, she agreed to actually help run the stand. She flaked out. I went out. Was stripped of any dignity that I had...but whatever. She didn't care....Her and Julian got in a battle at 4am. She got mad that I kept an hourly wage...proceeded to punch me and stormed off screaming, "Call me when you break up with Julian."

Bogus.

Not that a family feud has started...but, I just don't give a fuck...because I can't give a fuck.

As an aside: Jajoura is doing well. : )

oh.man.

if this keeps up I am going to have to start sucking dicks for money. god help me.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thanks Julian...

Stanford Report, June 14, 2005

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Karma

So, I just got a call from my dad that he picked up my mom at the airport...now she is in the hospital. It never ends.

And it all came crashing down.

I don't remember the last time that I was really up. I guess my reality is simply my perception anyways. So, I should say that I don't remember the last time I perceived myself to be up. What I mean by, "up" is on top...success in its own right. My main objective in life is to wake up with a smile. If I am not waking up with a big smile on my face...then its time to change course. Granted, there will be times when you aren't going to be happy (conditional). An event out of your control can happen at pretty much any time.

The existentialist perspective that I use as my guide through life is that we are all on our very own ships in the middle of the sea. A person can be completely unprepared for an event (laying on the poop deck, getting a tan), Have their hand on the steering wheel with rain gear on or really any perceivable combination in between. Trade winds can blow the individual at any time. Its luck (preparation/opportunity) that will blow you triumphantly in the direction of your dreams or chance that will blow you directly off course. Hell, you can be at a total stand-still and just waiting for that damn gust in whatever direction it may blow you...just because it is a direction. Storms are inevitable at sea...and you never know when your ship may wreck...or when you will be found on a desert isle and greeted with the person of your dreams or your greatest demon.

I have no fucking idea where I am right now. Not really sure where is up, down, left, right or even diagonal. I am totally blind and deaf. All that is left is my sense of feeling. Fuck, I don't even know if I can feel anymore. My energy has been drained because everyone has been taking parts of me. I find myself unhappy and dissatisfied. I am tired of making other people happy. I am tired of waking up stressed out, unfilled and unhappy. My universe is not in balance. I just keep giving with nothing in return. I feel like I have given myself in its entirety. I feel empty, hollow and dead. All the life has been drained out of me and all I am left with is a shell.

I can't be here much longer...its time to just disappear. I need to get the fuck out. To where...I have no idea. Just go...and keep going until everything feels right and good again. I am over feeling pressured into doing what other people think I should do. That is what is making me unhappy. I have nothing, therefore I have nothing to lose.

I want to travel, write and speak. I do not want to live a conventional lifestyle. I do not give a fuck about materialistic things so long as I have my iphone, laptop and a toothbrush. I am over this shit.

I have NO FUCKING IDEA how I am going to make this happen. But, I know it needs to happen. I have settled down for 3 months and it's already been too long. I don't think I belong here (LA).

For your listening pleasure while reading this section:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5IIXeR5OUI&feature=related

I love Kristen with all my heart. I am so glad she is out of the fucking nut house that is my parent's reality. I am glad my mom laughed at me during my emotional breakdown that she induced in the middle of the club at The Standard. I am glad Rick smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes and drank a cranberry vodka (kidneyless) last night. I am glad that Julian cannot express himself emotionally in any sort of way that is kind or tactful. All of these negatives made me realize a positive: Why? If I am in the captain's seat of this ship...why do I steer into these downer situations. I am going to avoid them like the Bermuda triangle. If I am around such negative energy sources: I will be negative. You are what you surround yourself with...I just want to be happy before I take too many pills or trip off a bridge.

Yesterday was my life's rock bottom, hands down. Whatever was left of the little child inside of me full of love and understanding died. I think it had something to do with accepting that you have no mother. The loss is not caused by death, disease, turmoil...but, ignorance, spite and bitterness. Before Saturday...I couldn't fathom that a creature could exist in such vein of rejecting one of her own kin. But, I now know the truth--Anything is possible...and even worse...it can happen to you. I think a part of my heart turned cold and black over the course of my life. Saturday night confirmed all my fears and helped to remove the infected areas. They turned to ice and broke off--no salvaging them now. For some reason, I am ok with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67J_66hdN-I&feature=related

My friends are the family I chose...So it really is. I can't live my life for others because it will drive me insane. I decided to give my heart to myself and follow that little guy where ever he tells me to go...no matter how irrational or illogical...he knows a helluva lot more than I do. I will not settle. I will embrace the fact that I am impulsive and rather delusional. On the plus side: The innovators always are.

So, I am here today to face the world the way I want to see it. I feel self-love again. I am centered. I am in control of my ship once again...so, everyone in my way bests watch the fuck out. Ill transformer this bitch right over you.

MINI-PINCH-A-WOWOA

JAJOURA GNOUCHE <3

KIDNEy

So, after a week (+) of fucking around... I actually am down to work.

It took a long time to get to this point of actually being able to focus...but hey, I am here again. Today was very productive and relaxing. I am impressed! Seriously. I stayed up relatively late last night (til 11:30) to write out a schedule for myself to follow. I can whole-heartedly say that I have stuck to that regiment rather religiously (aside from a few tasks...but, rest assured...those will be fit in later ; )...

Life is kinda strange. As Remo told me...all things will be taken care of so long as you remain positive...this is true. I feel like I am progressing...but, there is no monetary rewards. My identity was stolen yesterday. Bank accounts frozen. And I should be stressing...but, I am not. I don't want hand-outs. I am too proud for that shit. I am ready for shit to just fall in place. Sacrifice after sacrifice with no endgame. The times will change. I want to make $2000/week or more from now until the end of the year. I love my job. I love the direction my company is moving. I am excited to guest speak. All is well.

I have two feet, functioning organs, a decent mug, a smile and positivity on my side. There is nothing more that I can ask for...aside from some reputable success. FUCK.

I would say that my greatest challenge in LA is the fact that nobody takes my creds seriously. Even Julian didn't believe that I was decent at marketing until I had to, "break it down for him." BOGUS. But, whatever. Its to my advantage. Adversities generally turn out to be an individual's greatest advantages.

Cindy, my client is a ray of sunshine. It feels weird to say this...but she feels more like a mom than my own ever has. I know that the relationship I have with her is a totally professional one...But, she is for sure one of the only reasons I will ever wake up at such an un-Godly hour for. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful, inspiring person in my life. This is most defiantly the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

My mom is in town this week. She is a sweetheart. I have been having some major problems with not being a total bitch to my brother. He is SO NEEDY its completely out of hand. He still has some serious growing up to do. Everyone feels sympathy for him (rightfully so). But, there are people that are diagnosed with terminal diseases that are in much better spirits than hims. It is rather discouraging that he is SO NEGATIVE all the time. My parents totally accommodate him (what's new). All I hear about is whats going on with Rick...Rarely am I asked what's new with me. I hate being jealous, which I am. But, its not the most unreasonable request to have one's parents care about all children equally.

My mom being here has made me realize how fucked up I actually still am. Before, the distance between my parents and I seemed very healthy. Although, they never really made attempts to see or call me I was seemingly fine with that...because I isolated myself from the rest of my immediate family. Now that my mom is staying with me and spending quality time with both my brother and sister...though, not including yours truly in anything. Not that this is something new---It still bothers me. It sucks having a parent that doesn't love you as much as the rest of your siblings. I cannot begin to describe the feeling that it gives a person. For christ's sake...she wouldn't even sign parental permission forms for me in junior high or high school. One time after tennis, in my sophomore year...I thought I broke my arm. Totally conveyed this to my mother and she showed up 2 hours after my bus arrived back at my high school that evening. Her nor my father ever showed up for one tennis match in 4 years...and they picked me up about a total of 7 times out of (75 practices/season x 4 seasons)= 300 opportunities. Not very good odds. I guess I am still bitter? But, thats what I went to therapy for...perhaps its time I go back? Or maybe just flea the country totally anonymously.

My friends mean everything to me. More so than my family. I need to see them soon....Otherwise I may just go crazy.

Chicago is home...always. Though, I will never live there again...Its ok. The people are what makes it so awesome...and their character and spirit will never leave me.

The Night Owl.

ABSURD.

I am in love. I have tried to fight it, oh trust me. I have tried my hardest to not fall for someone...but, I am FUCT.

Admittedly, I am scared shit less of what can be another epic emotional demise. But, its bad for an individual to completely close themselves off from another person...so I won't. I really just hope that I don't get fucked in the end. That is only for time to tell, and me not to stress about at this point in the relationship. The future is totally unpredictable...so God only knows what it may hold in store for me.

I have to stop thinking and just follow my heart. So, I will. My new infatuation is a very strong man, indeed. At times I feel myself with a little bit of an inferiority complex. He is very successful given his current situation...and generally never lets me forget it. I have always, and will always try my best. At times, I feel like he doesn't realize this. We started at two completely different ends of the spectrum....and given my start point...I am doing fucking awesome. I shouldn't have to explain myself (a situation for which I feel as if I am thrust in quite frequently). I should be challenged...yet, more importantly encouraged. I face enough cynics...I need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be alright. I am a strong chick, for sure. I have the battle scars to prove it. But, being taken seriously as a woman is hard. It changes your world when you actually find a person who believes in and supports you. A person who has your back when you set out to take on the world. The progression from good friend or person you want to fuck into a partnership is an interesting, intense and natural switch. Perhaps I am just rushing things...or have very high expectations and demands. But, it is what it is, and I am who I am.

Oh the struggle.

My second peroid is over. Back on BC. Read a book about relationships called, "The Way of the Superior Man." Every guy and girl I know needs to read that bitch...if you ever want a healthy relationship! Working hard again. Writing a diet and exercise routine tonight. Life is back on schedule, with no real schedule. Its a beautiful thing.

FUCT.

So, I now officially work for myself. A phrase I have worked so hard, and so dilligently for so long to be able to mutter...now a reality. That thought itself whole-heartedly blows my fucking mind. I cannot even express in words how great this accomplishment is for me. I took the leap. And God, life could not be better.

While I was meandering around the gym (4 days+counting) left...I had this psuedo revelation: my life has become relatively normal. Now, this is something that I have never felt before. All internal struggles have been quieted. I just spaced out and was like, "whoa, i'm actually happy." I have a man that I am mad for. I have a job that I love, and is relatively profitable. I am starting an empire. Closer than ever with my family. Relatively fit. Live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, around some of the most beautiful people. I have two legs, two arms, and two eyes. A good head on my shoulders and shoes on my feet.

After being in hell for so long...everything just came together without me even seeing it coming. When I reach the point where I just stop caring and stop looking...it all just hits me. My life is exactly how I want it to be. Weird.

6 Week Goals

1. Study, Register and Take the GRE's
2. Build up clients for Training/Life Coaching
3. Start advertising for motivational speaking engagements and hold at least 1.
4. Start writing book (again).
5. Wake up happy and thankful to be alive.
6. Drop 3% bodyfat by the implementation of my own wellbeing plan.

everything is happening so fast...the future is already the past.

It seems that I only log on this bitch when there are significant ideological shifts. Well, I guess that's what highlights are, right?

Anyway, as always...the times are a'changing. I found someone that is seemingly amazing. We get along on multiple levels....and I feel that same obsessive love feeling that has been absent since Dan. Though, what differs is the fact that moderation must be exercised. He has his own life and I have mine. Where as before my relationship with Dan was more or less the formation of one person with one identity--which isn't healthy. I think that most of the problems spawned from the fact that Dan didn't have a job, was a raging alkie (and not a happy drunk either) and lacked motivation. Julian is the total opposite, thank God.

There were some constant internal struggles I have faced with Julian. He, himself is such a special person. Though, when he is around his friends (that are pick-up artists) I feel highly uncomfortable. Not sure if its a "me thing" or not. The depth of conversation is lacking around them. Or perhaps we just have varied interests. ...And by varied interests I mean that my opinion about things is automatically wrong because I am a female. Although, what would I know about the female psyche...I'm only a girl. :/ Its hard to accept that your perspective is automatically discounted based on this old-school mentality. Not in any way saying that I am right and they are wrong...life is just perspective. Period. I guess understanding that is a concept a bit too advanced for those playful kids. As always, I wish them nothing but the best in their future endeavors.

With regards to my past issues at hand: Dan and I's break-up was absolutely heinous. Fuck, that shit sucked. I really don't want to go through that again. As is life. You can't give up the highs in fear of the lows. You will never be happy if you can never loosen up and take a few risks every now and then.

Ryan is a truly amazing person. Our break-up was kinda awkward. He didn't handle it with really any degree of tact or maturity. Although, that was somewhat expected. I know one day, hopefully soon, he will be able to communicate with me like an adult....and I am sure it is only a matter of time before we become close friends again. His talents and personality are far too outstanding to live without in my life. Obviously, him and I on a romantic level (non-existent) did not really mesh...but, our ideas, creativity, vigor and work-ethic will change the world for generations to come.

I miss Chicago like a bitch. I cannot even express in words how much I miss my close friends. I really want them to see my sister and I's pool house. Meet with Julian, Remo, Jeff, Hady, Emily and others for which I have grown fond of. Give me some perspective on my new little niche on Earth. All of this is happening so fast...The future is already the past.

Equinox received my 2 weeks notice a few days ago. Decided that its time I start something on my own. I have a couple of private clients...have to work like hell to build a few more. Next post I'll elaborate.

Til then...

Ciao

long journey short...

The past couple of months in review. Sorry on the delay...Its been crazy.

An Ode...

Its been quite sometime since we last enthralled ourselves in engaging correspondence. Hopefully life has been nothing short of stellar for you and the countless loved ones entangled within your existence. The weather has finally broke, birds are chirping and Mother Nature is flaunting her majestic beauty to us once again. Regardless of our prior speculations that she had a vendetta against the stern and forgiving skyline of Chicago and surrounding suburbscape (perhaps she didn’t know that Wisconsin is responsible for our volatile beaches) Mother Nature finally blew the winds of change in our favor. I am sure you took in that much needed breath of fresh air and vitality.

My prior condition must have been oxygen definency…because, after my first deep yoga breath of that warm, life-infused breeze--my life suddenly changed course. The breath must have been more lie one hell-of-a gasp because the seasons suddenly changed from an icy winter to the most temperate, sunny day of summer. I am not sure if the shift was prompted by a spontaneous change of life philosophy but, it seemed reasonable not to question it. After all, ignorance is sometimes bliss (so it seems). I blindly rode on my newly re-discovered and long-awaited wind current. The wind system must have been part of a mid-latitude cyclone because I had a few run-ins with some lightening but, was thankfully spared. Then, at what seemed to be the exact moment when the tropopause was reached, a giant gust snatched me and started to tumultuously blow in the direction of the pacific. Like a seedling of a mighty oak tree on a brisk day in fall, I blew, flew, twisted and turned until I landed. So, here I am in Los Angeles. A new seedling finally sprouting roots.

Long story abridged…A couple of weeks ago my family found out that my brother needs a kidney transplant. Being the member of my family who had the least amount of responsibilities in Chicago--I offered to move to LA in order to help him out and offer up an organ. So, within five-days I had my car packed and ready for my cross-country relocation. Within a couple days of being in LA I got a job as a personal trainer at the Equinox Fitness in West Hollywood (one of the top gyms in the country). For a 21-year-old with a Marketing Degree this job is heaven-sent. Within a few months I will be working with celebrity clients, which illustrates to me I am the luckiest girl in the world. The scenery and weather is beautiful. My brother is doing quite well (all things considered). And, I wake up every morning with a smile. Life is good. : )

Wishing you everything…

Sweet Jesus

the past seven days have been out of control...

My brother got very sick out of nowhere. It turns out that he needs a kidney transplant. I am beckoned by my parents out to LA.

So, within five days the following aspects of my life dramatically changed:
-Quit my job at the Euro sports bar
-Move to a different geographical region than my significant other
-Move out of my apartment
-Change career paths
-Get rid of the majority of my belongings...again. Anything that wouldn't fit in the back of my stang had to go.
-Sick family member
-BAF

I left Chicago with 18 dollars in my bank account...

24 hours in review

its been quite a while since I have actually had the drive/ambition/dedication/need to write here. I try to develop this whole "blogging" thing as a habit. Though, as pretty much all other half-assed efforts that I have undertaken, I have failed. But, no use being hard on myself. All I can do is alter my behaviors for the future. So here I am.

Pretty sure that my body is falling apart. Beer wenching is a lot more physically demanding than I originally remembered. Sure, when I was young + enduring...I got off work and felt tired and shit. But now, I have fucking cankles. hahaha...no, really. Quite depressing, but fuck it. I think its more funny than sad. Just have to get that shit fixed so I can have joints normal size. Rather than that of a 349lb lady. Its my own fault for not altering any lifestyle behaviors to actually heal. Instead, I decided to keep up with my normal amount of physical activity due to my addiction. Now, the consequences I face (which I will officially know on friday) may far negatively outweigh the initial resting period. Whatev though. Not much I can do about it now.

Last weekend I also had this grand realization about life. It was that I am searching for something that I already have. All I want in life is to be happy. Well, as poor and fuct my body is...I haven't been happier in years. I laugh hard, smile often and feel fucking awesome. People work to have nice shit, some security and visit beautiful places. I can truly say that I am living the life of my dreams. Working hard of course, but my job isn't too stressful outside of work where it messes with my quality of life. Other than when I fell asleep last night mid-post and kept having Fado nightmares. haha...Damn them!

Today I am off to Columbia to meet with a former teacher (and group leader) from when I went to Africa. I find out this afternoon how I will be helping to re-brand South Africa. Fuck yeah! I hope its something semi-significant. If not, it really doesn't matter. As long as I am contributing in some way.

Also, I am going to pick up a new Moleskin. So stoked. I have been too poor to get one. Its quite sad because writing is my bread and butter. The only place I have ever had the commintment to write in is my moleskin. So, fuck. I midas well just break down and pay the $18. Though, going up 50% in price over the course of a year is an outrage and I hate taking it in the ass like that. But, as is life.

Ill keep you posted on the Africa thing. And wish me luck with having the commintment to actually study for the LSATS. Otherwise, I may be waiting tables the rest of my life. : (


Later Gators..

gaps in history

Passions:

Love
Family
The Universe
Learning
Thinking
Communication
Risk
Reward
Entrepreneurship
Perception
Facts
Travel
Motivating Myself
Motivating Others
Being Passionate
Assisting in Individuals Pursuit of their Passion
Making People Laugh/Smile
Laughing/Smiling
Engaging in Intellectual Conversations
Discussing Philosophy
Discussing American Public Policies
Economics
Taking to Strangers
Awkwardness
Running
Biking
Reading
Lifting
Yoga
Starting Shit
Fresh Fruit
Eating Protein
Puppies
The Ocean
Good Red Wine
Nice Tea
Sunsets
Thunderstorms in the Summer
Frozen Yogurt
Stars on a Clear Night
Art-Any Medium
The Color Gold
Tropical Climates

A message from the future.

A while back in my journey through life I found myself at a fork in the road: I had a passion for helping people achieve their goals yet, entering into the new-age self-help industry is very difficult and intimidating at any age…let alone when you are a young pup. I knew that I had experienced some low lows and great triumphs. I knew that I had the knowledge and experience to help others achieve their goals. I just didn’t know how to turn this innate passion into a career. I was so scared to take the risk of doing what makes me happy due to great short-term sacrifice, potential failure and monetary loss. I kept up with my studies in motivational and inspirational literature, philosophy along with engaging in goal-oriented conversations. I was continuously enthralled with mulling over potential outcomes of starting my own coaching business, writing lists of the steps necessary to set up a fully-functional firm and even asking for other’s advice and approval about my decision. I was constantly making excesses to myself as to why I could not start the project. I was a victim of fear—fear of the unknown.

One day I experienced this epiphany—The first step is the hardest. I have told this philosophy of thought to many individuals—yet, was having this great difficulty actually implementing the advice in my own life. Once you start a project…the momentum builds and you realize its hard work…but you can do it! I learned that nothing worth having is going to come easy, but the fruits of your own blood, sweat and tears are sweet. All you can do is set goals and accomplish them with confidence. Hard work always pays off, even if there is a little bit of a delay. When you are discouraged, keep your head up and keep going. When you think that you cannot go any further…take another step. It is usually that last ditch effort that will be your key to success. As illustrated by you reading this story, things do work out if you are persistent in your efforts and never lose sight of what your goals and dreams are.

Endurance.

I am not sure why I am sooooo into posting pictures of my facial expressions up here. There are a multitude of different looks. Perhaps if you know me...the mood of the post will make a little more sense. Like video..but easier.

Regardless, I have been into these videos (for no particular reason). Perhaps it is just the mood of my life right now.

Today I had my final interview for the position I am applying for in SanFran. My brother just called me explaining how he is apparently getting married. For his allowance...He has offered to pay nearly half of my rent if I was to move to LA. Plus, I still have the credit on Airitalia that I need to use by the first of May. Oh, the places you'll go.

I found Cubs tickets on Sunday. Though, didn't use/sell them. Some moral issue that I can't seem to explain. Also, a rep from the Chicago Fire hooked it up with a couple of tickets to their home opener for tomorrow (or today I guess). I took them and gave em' to one of my co-workers who wanted to take his son. Hopefully they get the chance to go.

Not that I do things with the intent of getting anything in return...but, fuck. I am not a bad person. I am really tired of getting fucked.

Today at work...I was excluded from several conversations as usual. I am tired of people disliking me for no valid reason. I am nice to everyone. I am not out to get anyone. There is enough success for all. I just don't get it. Life isn't fair...I get that. I have worked hard and have a few good friends (which I cannot even express in words how thankful I am that they are in my life) and a good family. Dysfunctional at times...but, kind hearted...and understanding. I need something more. Perhaps a bit of financial security and some travel. I don't want things...I want expereinces. I guess this one of them...but fuck. Isn't it over yet?

Anyway...these are some things for you to check out. Send me more. I want to see what touches you.

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3Kd7IGPyeg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPoI5gWhC6w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8Z1MpcyqQU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gLWTtlMwo4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDzl6ZQpSOo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP5J4W5GQ3w

late.

<3

He is the man for me. Unconditional love for 9 solid years.

site.

Clarity.

As the previous post states...Yesterday I was running around getting beer for ungrateful bastards when all of a sudden I had this moment of clarity. It was the coalescence of everything that I have consciously chosen to be thrust upon me. I hated my life. Then I felt this overwhelming feeling of all control being lost.

I had an interview at Fox Networks yesterday morning...and tried...but, didn't really try. The shitty, stuffy, slacks wearing, cubicle-ridden atmosphere was a wonderful reminder of what I didn't want to be doing with my life. A job that most young media pups like myself would kill for...and here I am not really feeling it.

So now what?

I hate the career path that I had "chosen" and I hate waiting tables. My schedule was cut down to 3 days/week. Which is cool...but I am in love with having a fat savings account. I feel this weight on my chest. A weight I haven't felt in months. "Fuck, what do I do?"

At this precise moment in time I have a revelation, the exact revelation that I was banking on happening given my strategic situation: FUCK THIS.

I realize that the entry level job I will inevitably hate (creating excel spreadsheets, making powerpoints, etc.) along with being a server isn't the end all of my life. Its actually shit I hate doing...So, given my work ethic, persistence, network and passion...why am I doing this? Why am I hating my life for a shitty job? Who says I have to start at the bottom? Society? Who says I need to work for a big company or have an MBA to become "someone." Fuck that noise. I am someone...I am Katie FUCKING N..." (if you personally know me...you'll know that).

So, my plan worked. Placing myself in an absolutely SHIT PLACE with no options out has forced me to gain this desire to succeed on my own. I've got world's balls in my hands as we speak. And do you know why? Because I think so. And as simple as it is...that is all it takes.

What is reality anyway? Whatever the fuck you want it to be...that's what.

And so my next chapter begins.

This is me a few minutes ago after a long night of beerwenching. RAW.

My life doesn't suck. I am complacent and unmotivated. Its fucking true. After getting pushed around, having had my ass grabbed numerous times and then degraded like I can't fucking hit a button on a computer and carry a drink...I have decided that the reason I feel so shitty is because I am not moving forward.*

Buttttt, I am about to pass out. I'll write more in the AM. TBC...

Learning Curves.

Give up control.

Don't think, act.

You're young...be reckless.

Nerosis.

As centered as I let myself think I was....it was all a fallacy.

I am trying my hardest to not slip into another deep depression. About a month-and-a-half ago I was at my parent's house threatening suicide. Slowly but surely I started regaining some sanity. I fed myself bullshit so I wouldn't lose my mind. What I didn't anticipate is that bullshit always catches up with you.

An overwhelming feeling of loss is consuming me. I have somehow left myself with no options, no genuine friends, no close family members, nobody. This was not by choice. I really don't know how it happened...actually. I guess nobody worries about me. I don't want them to. Regardless of how strong I portray myself...I am only human. I have feelings. Insecurities. Issues.

I now understand what I cheap whore feels like. I have given myself to a lot of people--In whatever capacity that I could. I have given myself to work. Becoming a good person. Being honest and understanding. Exercising good character. Though, at the end of the day I am left with nothing besides this overwhelming feeling of emptiness.

I have given up all faith in everyone and everything. I kept going when the times got tough. I didn't end it when I wanted to. I still smiled at strangers...and helped out anyone in need. I worked as hard as I could. And truly tried my best.

Again, I am one human being...and I can only give so much without getting anything back. I have learned a lot of lessons...but I am far past due for a thread of hope to cling onto.

I am paddling to stay afloat...though my muscles have been so tired for so long. One by one they are giving out. My brain is getting cloudy...and my heart feels empty. I am in desperate need of a rescue ship.

Vein.

David Paul Larson is a wonderful photographer and friend. The photo shoot went beautifully. He is simply amazing. Very professional, supportive and encouraging. I highly recommend him to everyone.

I'll post pictures of last night's shoot soon.

Cardinal Desires.

I live, love and die by these words.

Battle Wounds.

I think my thumb is falling off. Or I am being dramatic. I would say the latter.

And I Digress...

Done with school. I had some high expectations...of what I don't know. The Chinese always joke about Americans...They say we are always shooting...but never aim. If the shoe fits.

Today was my last day of training at Fado, the Irish pub that I work at as a cocktail waitress. The money is good. The people are friendly. I suppose it isn't too bad of a place to work at.

I start working at Hooters again tomorrow. FUCK. I never imagined myself slipping on the orange shorts again. It is quite strange. My parents both encourage my re-employment venture. I find this to be a strange twist. Its 223 AM on a Tuesday. I have work in exactly 8 hours...not including sleep time, buying shoes and prep.

I believe that today is truly a new turning point in my life. Later on this evening I am getting photos taken for my modeling portfolio. I think that its official: I am selling out into my looks. I think that my physical appearance is just the karma for my mom being so terror able when I was younger. Although, when I was a young pup my momma and I had some beef...I did earn her genetics. I am lucky that I am alive today after the shit I've gone through. Interesting how things work out. So, I feel it is my purpose to use the tools I have earned. It has been made very clear to me that my brain is not nearly as valuable as my outside appearance. Sad...but true. Therefore, I just have to roll with it. And tomorrow kicks this new ideological thought process off. I want to ride this wave and see where it takes me. Afterall, there is no wrong way to live life. The world is my oyster...and this bitch is hungry.

Sleep Deprivation. Physical Exhaustion. I Collapse.

A Month Long Since Past...

The overwhelming feeling of emptiness is one that I know better than myself at times. It is all consuming. Not that the feeling is dependent on one person or thing...A multitude of variables go into my positive energy's demise.

80/20; 95/5; 99/1
The natural law of numbers--Equilibrium.

Effort exhorted into something that is causing more harm than good is completely unnecessary. There is no reason one should be so enthralled in such hasty acts of poor judgment. As a curious human being--we refuse to follow our innate sense of life direction sometimes. Though, if we act upon our natural reactions...life would seemingly be a lot simpler.

90 percent of the time we know the right answers within the first few seconds of seeing or experiencing something. Though, rational thought kicks in and essentially prolongs the process whose end result we have known from the start. Funny...isn't it?

Looking back on my life's biggest mistakes (or learning experiences as I prefer to call them) the scenario played out exactly how I felt it would. Whether it takes a couple days...or a couple of years how it ends is (most of the time) exactly as I predicted.**

As I sit here facing the inevitable..the only person I have to blame is myself. Having known the right answer all along and not have acted is a crime to oneself and the other parties affected (directly and indirectly).

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Any experience that provides a memory is one worth having (so I am told).

Life confuses the fuck out of me. Maybe I need to shut the brain off and turn the mind on.

**Indigogen

The Hunt

I am looking for a job.

The Fear.

The Terror.

The Despair.

Broke A$ Fuck is what we are.

Yesterday we recorded a bunch of shit in HD for me to send out to potential employers. I hope someone likes what I have to offer. It is really scary putting yourself out there. Standing in the face of fear, not making the rent, defeat.

I used to have the world by the balls...and now I have a lot of potential still...but this stagnation is taking away from it. Once you have a taste of what power feels like...and then lose it...the world gets turned upside down. That is the primary causation of my breakdown. The fact that I went from someone to nobody literally overnight. BOGUS.

But taking that shit in strides is part of it. I am going to get a job that isn't totally enthralling...but is something. I want to go back to school...but need to return to zero first. I decided to just go with the flow. Accept my situation and rock out with my figurative cock out. That is all you can do at times like this.

After the breakdown

Well, Last week I was a hot mess to say the least. I think I took about 2 weeks off of life in order to regroup and figure out what the fuck is going on. Well, I am still not too sure as to what is going on...but at least I am feeling mildly better about myself.

It was very strange..all things from my past suddenly came to a close. I freaked out on my parents...not at them..but on them. Had a total breakdown. Woke up after my usual 17 hours of sleep that the depression I was in caused.

I learned that working out deeply affects my psyche...for sure. I need those endorphins. I keep getting chronic headaches and it kind of blows. When it rains it pours. Feast and famine. Etc.

I miss all of my friends..but I have recently realized who is really important to me...and who is just frontin'. It is really important to come to terms with this.

Moving forward is just as important as remembering the past.

As a side note: Ryan is absolutely amazing. He has helped me so much with everything...and I cannot say thank you enough for his kindness. He is truly a beautiful person...and I cannot wait to see where life takes us.


I mean...if someone could love that...they have to be the kindest soul ever.

The State of Stagnation

Ain't life grand?

Well, at least that is the bullshit that I have been feeding myself as of lately. Its not that I am notably depressed...I am just confused. My one wish would be to figure out what has gotten me into this mad funk that I am in. Graduating school, being $50,000 in debt, unemployed, having bangs, not working out, lack of reading and meditation, little to no exertion regarding my social life. Slothing it.

My life used to be this wonderful, thriving menagerie. I was at the top of the world. I was kicking the shit out of school, working hard, playing hard, working out, constantly learning new things, meeting new people...living the dream. Though, I did lack time to myself...It was a sacrifice well worth making. I am not sure where or how I lost it. I am pretty sure that the constant stress of being broker than I ever imagine has just spawned a constant flow of negative, depressing emotions.

With the goal of getting my life back on track. Just yesterday I decided that I need the lip tattoo that I have been lusting after for months now. There were two possible options before: 8032 or an infinity symbol. I ended up in kind of a weird place with regards to both ideas. 8032 placed restrictions on what I wanted to achieve...where the infinity symbol was just cliche as fuck. I am not a very typical girl in the least. Therefore, I was having a hard time permanently placing symbols on my body that I thought were lame. Rather than reminding myself of what I want, I decided that it is equally important to know what I have. Destitute is the word I chose to describe my life right now.

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at Ryan's house laughing and crying simultaneously about my situation. Then I simply concluded that I am neck-deep in one of the lowest lows I will ever face in my entire life. I have exactly enough money to survive for one more month (or 26 more days to be precise). I am starting the process of finding someone to move into my room at the ole' apartment due to my lack of monetary sustainability. Moving back to my parent's house is not an option. So, before the next month is over I will officially be homeless. Well, if you are living out of a car...you really don't need apartment shit. I have been tossing around this idea of selling all my worldly possessions for a minute. As of last night, the decision was made to simplify my life of material objects out of necessity. What this means: I am broke, homeless, unemployed and quite literally have nothing left except my health, personality and desire to succeed. I am a big-balled, bright-eyed young lady living in destitute--all for a dream.

I haven't been this low in a while, if ever. There is something strangely sexy about having nothing to lose. A couple of days ago I was beaten. Left wondering why I worked so hard...sacrificed so much...for what? I keep telling myself that I am owed nothing, but my essence demands something more. Countless thoughts run through my head about all the "what ifs.." I just need to let go and accept. Its harder said than done. I have gotten much better understanding my situation and taking active responsibility to change it. Two days ago I was walking the line between life and death. When your living and feel dead regardless...does it really matter?

My Progress:
Before I was depressed as shit. I wanted to die because I could feel. Now, I just feel like someone threw me down on the ground from behind and started kicking my figurative balls as hard and fast as they possibly could. Though, I lucked out because on the way down to the cement...I hit my skull, experienced serious nerve damage and can't feel anything. I am just watching in both awe and disgust. Not sure which is worse...but at least I am smiling again!

Regardless, I am still optimistic and hopeful. My will is being tested. I will make it out of this alive (I hope). Pouchesacs are going again in full-force. I have a family who loves me. A few good friends who care. A beau who is simply amazing. A brain in my head, shoes on my feet. I am learning the difference between a "want" and a "need." It is at your lowest lows where you figure out the most about yourself and the people around you. I am learning to not see my destitute as a negative. Rather as one of life's learning curves.

After all, I always hear that the wisdom that comes with old age is simply the understanding that life's highs aren't really that high, and life's lows really aren't that low. It is learning how to keep your perception of reality somewhere in the middle.

Which also brings me to the question of right and wrong. I think that my greatest friction is coming from this perception of the American Ideal. I have no desire to live the American Dream. I have no desire to become another number in the system, live paycheck to paycheck, be $10,000 in credit card debt, drive a SUV, have 2.5 kids, live in a nice white neighborhood...settle. I know I want more than what that lifestyle can offer me. It is absurd to be put down, doubted, criticized for wanting to make something more of yourself. There is no wrong way to live life. I understand that what I want isn't for everyone...but, what they want isn't for me. Mutual respect for different dreams is all I ask. I have risked everything to live the life of my dreams. If all things go to hell even worse than they have...at least I can say I tried. That is the American Dream in my opinion.

never again...

New years eve...