And it all came crashing down.

I don't remember the last time that I was really up. I guess my reality is simply my perception anyways. So, I should say that I don't remember the last time I perceived myself to be up. What I mean by, "up" is on top...success in its own right. My main objective in life is to wake up with a smile. If I am not waking up with a big smile on my face...then its time to change course. Granted, there will be times when you aren't going to be happy (conditional). An event out of your control can happen at pretty much any time.

The existentialist perspective that I use as my guide through life is that we are all on our very own ships in the middle of the sea. A person can be completely unprepared for an event (laying on the poop deck, getting a tan), Have their hand on the steering wheel with rain gear on or really any perceivable combination in between. Trade winds can blow the individual at any time. Its luck (preparation/opportunity) that will blow you triumphantly in the direction of your dreams or chance that will blow you directly off course. Hell, you can be at a total stand-still and just waiting for that damn gust in whatever direction it may blow you...just because it is a direction. Storms are inevitable at sea...and you never know when your ship may wreck...or when you will be found on a desert isle and greeted with the person of your dreams or your greatest demon.

I have no fucking idea where I am right now. Not really sure where is up, down, left, right or even diagonal. I am totally blind and deaf. All that is left is my sense of feeling. Fuck, I don't even know if I can feel anymore. My energy has been drained because everyone has been taking parts of me. I find myself unhappy and dissatisfied. I am tired of making other people happy. I am tired of waking up stressed out, unfilled and unhappy. My universe is not in balance. I just keep giving with nothing in return. I feel like I have given myself in its entirety. I feel empty, hollow and dead. All the life has been drained out of me and all I am left with is a shell.

I can't be here much longer...its time to just disappear. I need to get the fuck out. To where...I have no idea. Just go...and keep going until everything feels right and good again. I am over feeling pressured into doing what other people think I should do. That is what is making me unhappy. I have nothing, therefore I have nothing to lose.

I want to travel, write and speak. I do not want to live a conventional lifestyle. I do not give a fuck about materialistic things so long as I have my iphone, laptop and a toothbrush. I am over this shit.

I have NO FUCKING IDEA how I am going to make this happen. But, I know it needs to happen. I have settled down for 3 months and it's already been too long. I don't think I belong here (LA).

For your listening pleasure while reading this section:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5IIXeR5OUI&feature=related

I love Kristen with all my heart. I am so glad she is out of the fucking nut house that is my parent's reality. I am glad my mom laughed at me during my emotional breakdown that she induced in the middle of the club at The Standard. I am glad Rick smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes and drank a cranberry vodka (kidneyless) last night. I am glad that Julian cannot express himself emotionally in any sort of way that is kind or tactful. All of these negatives made me realize a positive: Why? If I am in the captain's seat of this ship...why do I steer into these downer situations. I am going to avoid them like the Bermuda triangle. If I am around such negative energy sources: I will be negative. You are what you surround yourself with...I just want to be happy before I take too many pills or trip off a bridge.

Yesterday was my life's rock bottom, hands down. Whatever was left of the little child inside of me full of love and understanding died. I think it had something to do with accepting that you have no mother. The loss is not caused by death, disease, turmoil...but, ignorance, spite and bitterness. Before Saturday...I couldn't fathom that a creature could exist in such vein of rejecting one of her own kin. But, I now know the truth--Anything is possible...and even worse...it can happen to you. I think a part of my heart turned cold and black over the course of my life. Saturday night confirmed all my fears and helped to remove the infected areas. They turned to ice and broke off--no salvaging them now. For some reason, I am ok with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67J_66hdN-I&feature=related

My friends are the family I chose...So it really is. I can't live my life for others because it will drive me insane. I decided to give my heart to myself and follow that little guy where ever he tells me to go...no matter how irrational or illogical...he knows a helluva lot more than I do. I will not settle. I will embrace the fact that I am impulsive and rather delusional. On the plus side: The innovators always are.

So, I am here today to face the world the way I want to see it. I feel self-love again. I am centered. I am in control of my ship once again...so, everyone in my way bests watch the fuck out. Ill transformer this bitch right over you.