Nerosis.

As centered as I let myself think I was....it was all a fallacy.

I am trying my hardest to not slip into another deep depression. About a month-and-a-half ago I was at my parent's house threatening suicide. Slowly but surely I started regaining some sanity. I fed myself bullshit so I wouldn't lose my mind. What I didn't anticipate is that bullshit always catches up with you.

An overwhelming feeling of loss is consuming me. I have somehow left myself with no options, no genuine friends, no close family members, nobody. This was not by choice. I really don't know how it happened...actually. I guess nobody worries about me. I don't want them to. Regardless of how strong I portray myself...I am only human. I have feelings. Insecurities. Issues.

I now understand what I cheap whore feels like. I have given myself to a lot of people--In whatever capacity that I could. I have given myself to work. Becoming a good person. Being honest and understanding. Exercising good character. Though, at the end of the day I am left with nothing besides this overwhelming feeling of emptiness.

I have given up all faith in everyone and everything. I kept going when the times got tough. I didn't end it when I wanted to. I still smiled at strangers...and helped out anyone in need. I worked as hard as I could. And truly tried my best.

Again, I am one human being...and I can only give so much without getting anything back. I have learned a lot of lessons...but I am far past due for a thread of hope to cling onto.

I am paddling to stay afloat...though my muscles have been so tired for so long. One by one they are giving out. My brain is getting cloudy...and my heart feels empty. I am in desperate need of a rescue ship.