Clueless.

Was at lucky strike tonight and nearly fell off the stool I was sitting on. Then I started laughing, hard. Then I started thinking about everything. Have been so in the zone of conceptually magnifying things/problems. Everyone is making up everything as they go along. Nobody has a clue, nothing is written on the wall. We are all equally confused. Some are better at bullshitting others that they know what's up. But really, how could they? Anything could happen at any possible time. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are lying.

By being open to opportunities and experiences think it is possible for someone to have less of a set course of existence? What is the point of living if you are moving to the beat of repetition? Maybe its just me. I don't understand. Guess just add that to the laundry list of things I have no clue about. As shitty as things can be, at least your life has the potential to change at any moment. In fact, it will. Change is the only constant. Well, so is time. But, living in the 3rd dimension, we have no firm understanding of the 4th dimension--time. We just make up that we understand how it works based on one fact--You cannot un-crack an egg. There is just so much out there that we don't know.

While at LACMA yesterday I was staring at a few Picasso paintings. He created something that nobody thought of before. A style unique to himself--That is what made him great. That is what makes all of us great--The unconventional. That is what makes great men great--innovation, creativity and the ability to ask the question, "why not?"

Ew,

Just got back from my sister's house. She was full of negative energy as was Remo. Is there anyway to give your soul a bath without having to attend church? In this weird mood after being in their dark cloud. I can't sit home alone anymore. I am in the middle of the 2nd largest city in the US and feel all alone. My mom wouldn't go to the art museum with me today because she had to get an oil change for my brother's car--Cool. WALLOWING IN MY OWN SELF-PITY.

Life is good, all things considered. Gotta stay positive.

I cannot stop listening to Biggie, Tupac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and Jay Z. I am a woman possessed.

Thought I was going to end up somewhere tropical today. Guess I was wrong?

Admittedly, didn't exhurt much effort towards making this vision a reality. My plan lacked follow-through. Think this Christmas will turn out different than I initially planned. Well, I don' t have a plan. Has potential to go in a multitude of directions. Excited to see how it turns out.

Christmas is a really traumatic time for me. I tend to lose my mind. Repressed childhood memories...surfacing.

Got kicked out of church tonight, Christmas. Remo asked us to leave because I made kris (my sister) and emily (his niece) laugh. The priest looked like Dracula, couldn't help myself. Of course I would get kicked out of church on Christmas, why not?

Tomorrow will be a great day. Wishing you the same...

Hey kiddos,

Today was great--Got shit done. Feeling like I have become nocturnal. I kind of miss it--Most creative at night.

Anyway, it feels good to be on top of shit. Have some rough edits tomorrow for this little project I took on. Should work out swimmingly. Clean car. Clean hair. Clean laundry. Clean apartment. Christmas shopping done (except for one human).

Trying to wage a rap battle on my Facebook. Its going well so far. Think most posts will be made on Christmas when everybody is bored @ family parties. Stoked to see the outcome.

Its been a weird week. Deja vu, or do I say that a lot? Didn't try anything new today (other than maybe getting work done). haha... Will have to make up for it tomorrow. Excited to see what the day holds.

XO

Think it is only logical if I stop evaluating what I am feeling...Its kind of funny all the shit you tell yourself rather than acknowledging the reality of the situation. What is the reality of the situation?

All I know is that it is 73 degrees and sunny--I have nothing to complain about.

CCR

Life is random. Woke up to some pretty fucked up dreams and a headache. I attribute it to multi-dimensional travel. Every Sunday night since I moved to Hollywood I have been plagued with night terrors. Only on Sundays though. Its kinda fucked up.

Rick, my brother is being an asshole because I would not conduct a drug deal for him. Glad he's gained perspective since receiving a kidney. Some people just do not get it. I am not going to let his bad energy rain on my parade.

Also, came to terms with my neighbor. Was convinced that he would be capiable of evolving--Seemed he wanted the progress. Nobody is irreplaceable--I learned, grew. Seeing my roomate being so consumed in her relationship with her boyfriend makes me kind of sick. I don't really remember what it feels like to have such passion towards another human being. Its such an emotional process--Too heavy. I do not choose that right now. Really quite happy where I am at--I have my own identity, my own life, my own friends. So important....I have too much love to limit it to one person. The person I do choose will recognize this and let me be free. By virtue, I will give myself to them. For some reason I keep thinking about Ryan Blake. He encouraged me to be myself--From a place of love. Wow, I fucked that one up--He needed get a taste of life. Him, or someone like him is out there...Just have to keep being myself and eventually we will cross paths. Until then, homegirl has to just keep on keeping on...Afterall, that's all I can do. :)

Have a feeling this week is going to be way different than anticipated. Hope I end up on a tropical island or ski resort...We shall see....

Not sure if its hormones that are making me absolutely nuts...But, goddamn. Today is one of those days. Just disgruntled with life in general. Need to evolve. Moving into action. Realized that everyone is totally insecure. Everyone is frail, weak and vulnerable at times. Hate to admit it but, I am as well. Got my feelings hurt pretty badly. I loathe this feeling of violated trust and warped sense of reality. Cognitive magnification at its best. Self-doubt over one human being is such a waste of time and energy that could be allocated to something forward-moving. Forgot how heavy it can be when you fall hard. At least this pain makes me feel uncomfortable, alive. How endearing it is to be human.

Stayed in LA this weekend. The aftermath of Downtown Art Walk in the rain. Hair is looking rather mermaidian. Love working to the Rolling Stones Pandora channel--Life is good. :)

Blunts and Bitches

Ticket to NYC is booked. Guess I'm going to this place called Soho House or something along those lines. Should be fun--Hear it is kind of scene. Excited to see Mike and Tom--They are both hilarious. Hanging out with 2 ex-boyfriends at the same time, only I would pull that shit.

Haven't told anybody that I am leaving town. Think its kinda funny because my parents are still here. Think its possible to sneak away to NYC for 3 days without anyone noticing? For some reason, think FB will incriminate me. Have so much shit to finish up tomorrow!

Oh, and random event of the day. Was at The Griddle, off Farfax/Sunset for a late breakfast. Got into this hour long dialogue with what turned out to be some comedian. He was the main character in this show, "Grounded for life." Guess he's adapting some Jack Kerouac screenplay. I get to read it. I love Kerouac. Best.News.Ever. Followed by the worst news ever....While at a movie (and the phone was on silent)...Missed the phone call/text invite to Snoop Dogg's after party for his show with Travis Barker. Snoop, Travis, blunts and bitches--Who could think of a better Tuesday night?

So glad I don't have kids. OH GOD. People I went to high school with on FB. Man, couldn't even imagine a child at this point in the game. Think I would rather have a death sentence.

With that said, been rocking out getting shit done. Volunteering at a charity event called, "Divine Design" tomorrow. Will hopefully have my fannie packs ready by this time next year. Think I am going to make Kaptain my lead designer. Getting the designs done is priority so I can edit the business plan accordingly. Plus, might be headed to NYC for the weekend. Meeting with the former owner of Calvin Klien, Kennith Cole, Nine West, etc. At minimum, he can point me in a direction. Fuck it!

Made a goal this week: To try 1 new thing everyday. Also, I am plotting a way to update friends/family/boys about my life without actually having to talk to them. It seems like such a waste of time having the same conversation over and over again. One directive link with imagery should do the trick. Hoping by the end of the week I will have reached a resolution.

Stoked that my brothers are doing well. Really happy that I found The Rolling Stones Pandora channel. Excited for the unlimted possiblity that this week holds. Who knows where I will be on Friday? :D

Lesson Learned.

Think after hiking 2 mountains (one time with sprints), along with a yoga class and weight lifting session...I am over my emotional turmoil. Re-injured my ankle today...So, I am stuck at home with my foot up. Is good, now I have to work rather than play.

Rick is getting his kidney transplant tomorrow. My mother and I had a bonding experience today. She has a bunch of serious health issues herself. It is somewhat scary. I would really like to get to know her, given we had somewhat of a rocky start. There is a lot of her personality in me--She is a free spirit, its in my blood. Sometimes, in fleeting moments, where your world is in chaos, everything makes sense. Today, I got why I am the way that I am.

My foot is throbbing, this sucks. I haven't been hurt in a long time. Really hard to do remedial tasks when you can barely walk. Kinda nervous for tomorrow. Feeling quite liberated, all things considered. Realized the reality of my situation on multiple levels. I need to be totally selfish--No one person is worth my success or failure. I need to get to know my mother more. I got played by someone I thought was solid--Loved me and left me via text. Pretty bad. At least I learned a few lessons.

Work it.

Finding motivation to sit still for five minutes and start the brutal undertaking of rewriting a business plan for the fannie packs. Emotion-heavy nonsense is distracting. I just want to get things done, and all this emo bullshit is preventing that from happening. There has to be a way to eliminate it--I must find it.

Reading Kerouac quotes for inspiration. Trying to be one with the moment. A little difficult with such heavy thoughts. Everything will work out exactly how it should--I take solace in this school of thought.

Going to try to work for the next several hours solid...Go out, socialize and keep on keeping on this project. A lot of work--Daunting. Will be so gratifying when I finally finish this project. Its been 2 years in the making...

• He saw that all the struggles of life were incessant, laborious, painful, that nothing was done quickly, without labor, that it had to undergo a thousand fondlings, revisings, moldings, addings, removings, graftings, tearings, correctings, smoothings, rebuildings, reconsiderings, nailings, tackings, chippings, hammerings, hoistings, connectings — all the poor fumbling uncertain incompletions of human endeavor. They went on forever and were forever incomplete, far from perfect, refined, or smooth, full of terrible memories of failure and fears of failure, yet, in the way of things, somehow noble, complete, and shining in the end. This he could sense even from the old house they lived in, with its solidly built walls and floors that held together like rock: some man, possibly an angry pessimistic man, had built the house long ago, but the house stood, and his anger and pessimism and irritable labourious sweats were forgotten; the house stood, and other men lived in it and were sheltered well in it.

BRINGING BACK THE SAC!

After a year on hold...Going to rock out Pouchesac. Its a fully completed project. All we need is a prototype.

Best part:
1. Being able to say a fannie pack made you your first million
2. I have always aspired to be huge in Japan.

What a weird week. Feels like I have been in some sort of a microcosum since leaving for Atlanta a few weeks ago. I conceit to the fact that I have no fucking clue what's going on or what life holds. Its so exciting, the good and the bad. For some reason, I am in this crazy mental state where I refuse to allow negative energy into my reality. I am perceiving all situations as being a positive. The power of human thought is amazing. Being in control of your thoughts and your body (hence my obsession with fitness/nutrition) is the only thing you have control of. Its really interesting, once you are in contorl of what you think, you can also develop the power to manifest anything that you wish. Its a phenominal feeling to be on top of my shit in this snowflake of perfectly organized chaos.

I want to stay suspended in the moment. All is well, nothing too heavy.

My brother gets a kidney transplant this week, am stoked for him. I am also very happy for my brother who is donating a kidney. Hope this gives him some purpose. Overall, a very postitive experience for all. :) Although, I am really quite stressed because ALL MY FAMILY will be in town...Think that this is going to be good. Really have to stop freaking out and thinking its going to be a negative that my parents are in town. As I have learned, I cannot predict the future. Maybe something really great is going to come out of them being here...Afterall, my life is the shit because I choose it to be that way.

Things with my neighbor are going much better than anticipated. He is a great person, regardless of all the initial struggle. Whatever happens, I am learning a lot about myself through this experience and hopefully he is as well. I'm happy, having him in my life makes me smile. Whatever comes of it will come. For now, the moment is rather joyus and beautiful.

The past week I have had a renessance of creativity and the thirst to learn. I want to lock myself away and just absorb. Have some kate time, write, read and discuss. Hollywood is fun and all...I've had an experience that I would not change for the world. Though, I am ready to apply myself. The difference between this time and the last is that I have learned how to enjoy myself. I want to continue to be happy, and keep on keeping on. Was driving in my car the other day spacing out and realized that I have lived more life in 23 years than most people in their 60's. It was this weird feeling like...Now what? Finally reached this stage of self-actualization. I have all my needs met--So, I can finally offer myself up to others. FINALLY. It has been a long, endearing road to get to the point I have just reached. Focus and hard work paying off...Now, to stay suspended...

For the first time after coming home from Denver...LA feels like home. Never thought I would say that...I'm happy. It took a long time to acclaimate and create a network from scratch. Things are starting to feel like they are falling in place. Blind faith forged the road I am on, and I couldn't be happier. Giving up control and just letting life happen is the best decision I've ever made.

Oh, just registered for a 10 day meditation over Christmas. I'm on a long waiting list but, have faith that it will work out... 10 days in silent meditation sounds like the best way to spend the holidays given my passionate hatred for them. Will keep you posted if it happens or not...

Think this would be the perfect ending to my trip: http://www.mile-hi-skydiving.com/first_time.php

A Denver Chronicle

In Denver and it is driving me fucking nuts, man. I do not even know how to describe it. Though, since I have ample time and no internet connection I can get as in detail as possible. There is nothing else to do. I have a couple of books to read, which I should do. But, its not even comfortable. There is no furniture and I have been sleeping on an air mattress that gives me a massive backache. Driving me fucking nuts, man.

There is only so much texting you can do, so many emails you can send and so many facebook and twitter updates that you can write without coming across creepy.

My mind has been in a really bad space because I am going through some relationship issues. I’m enthralled with a madman. I really don’t understand why I can’t just get over him. Let it go. There is some weird, strong connection. Had a two hour conversation with a random man at Starbucks today. By the way, if you are ever in Littleton, Colorado…The only place to meet people is at the Starbucks off of Wadsworth drive. Haha…

Anyway, yeah…its fucking distracting. The fact that I am letting it distract me is more frustrating than anything else. I went to these really gorgeous hot springs last night somewhere outside of Denver. Went to a outside mineral bath next to this beautiful cliff. There were snow-covered ferns and a light layer of icy snow covering the ledges of the rock. It was amazing. The backdrop was a sky FULL of stars. Even was lucky enough to see a shooting star. I was in hyper-focus mode. An experience like that is meant to be shared with another person. It was one of the most beautiful, lonely experiences that I have ever been through. I don’t know how else to describe it. My heart started to hurt because I longed to have someone in my arms at that moment. Basking in that pristine moment together. Guess I have the rest of my life to experience that. Nonetheless, it was still torturous not having my other half with me. Whomever he is….

Referencing the conversation that I had at a Starbucks earlier—This man made a big impact on me. I talked about my relationship with the madman—and he talked about his ex-wife and daughter. It was beautiful—Like we were best friends, in the moment. Hopefully, I made an impact in his life, know he changed mine. Its strange, whatever you NEED the universe will provide. We both were searching—and found what we were looking for—A genuine human interaction.

I have no clue what is going to happen when I get back to LA, really. My life is totally up in the air, which is beautiful…I am feeling this strange nervousness/excitement. Anything can go in multiple directions be it romantically, job-wise, life in general. I know it will be for the better, whatever it is. I am really hoping to get out of Denver tomorrow. If I am stuck here until Sunday…Will it be the end of the world? No. But, I would really love to be home for the weekend. Its been almost 2 weeks since I have seen the madman, or any of my other suitors. Also, I miss creature comforts…Like the ability to hike, go to my gym, do the things that I want to do.

Remo called me when Louie first left CO earlier this week with some advice. Remo’s advice was that I will have no idea why I ended up here until I get back to LA. That’s fine. I am just highly impatient and miss everything and everyone…It took a long time to start missing life as I know it, but I really do. I miss California. In this town everyone is nice…There just isn’t much to do. Plus, I feel like I am starting to get sick from the brutal weather. A lot of repressed childhood memories have been coming up in the past week or so, not sure what the deal is with that. I think it’s the fact that my parents are back to acting like children. Between that and the cold weather, I’m a fucking reminiscent mess. Earlier today I told all this to the dude working behind the counter at a party goods store. He must have thought I was nuts after professing, “I went to therapy for years to get over all this shit that’s coming back.” What a mess!

Beyond that, I am feeling kind of fat from not having the ability to work out. I do, but I miss MY GYM. I miss MY CAR. I miss MY SPACE, not the social networking site…but, my little part of Earth.

Think this trip was great in giving me some perspective as to what “normal” people are like. I was reminded that I don’t want to be normal. I want to be extrodinary. I am great, I don’t need to deal with this bullshit. Ah yes, back to the man from Starbucks. I realized that people need me. The world needs me. So, I can’t be caught up in he-who-must-not-be-named’s bullshit…Although, my heart and emotions are tied up in him…My life can’t be. Well, it can be, but not in a dramatic way…as more of a support system. Afterall, I love love and hate hate.

Wrote a little something to him…An abbreviated version from the Moleskin original…

Hi!

Was thinking about not thinking. Have learned this whole concept of being in the moment—Its beautiful. Sometimes I want to pause time and just stay suspended within a few milliseconds—Those few times in life where you feel truly alive.

A time when you are not thinking about anything other than how a single bead of sweat feels as it slowly crawls down your cheek. Or, when a cool wind blows and you feel each individual hair stand up on the back of your neck. Totally consumed in an individual moment or experience to the point where you feel as if nothing else exists. You become so deeply connected to yourself, any other aspect of the physical holds no bearing.

This connection to self—Living in a moment is what brings me the greatest amount of joy in life. God knows it took me years and years, and years to get to here. But, as is everything…It’s temporary. This is why I like this idea of staying suspended in time. These moments are the most meaningful, I want to live my life totally consumed in them. I want everything to truly make sense, and it does. You just let time pass without analyzing, assessing, figuring it out. You just accept what comes and do what makes you happy. Dealing with every issue at hand, rather than fantasy and idealized constructs. Just being happy to be alive to learn and experience life as it comes your way. Absolutely gorgeous.

Occasionally, I find myself gazing into your eyes and encountering one of these moments. No expectations, no chatter just fully experiencing the moment for what it is—Pure beauty, life at its fullest.

Other times, I cannot get these fleeting moments out of my mind. Or I create constructs around the idealism of what could be rooted in these “real” abbreviations in life. I don’t know if they are good or bad, real or fake…because I don’t believe in good or bad or reality for that matter.

I just know I enjoy this a lot, and you are a facilitator. In the moment, its as perfect as it can be…

I feel so tired that I want to puke.

Completely lacking motivation today. It is rather disappointing that I have been sleeping/sitting around seemingly all afternoon. About to go hiking, put in a few applications in Sunset Plaza then make dinner for a friend. Baked dill salmon with truffle oil infused baby potatoes and miniture carrots. Should be quite delectable.

Regardless, tomorrow I must kick ass. Today I was lagging behind. In my own defense: I did work all weekend. It was really nice to have a day to myself. Plus, I couldn't fall asleep last night, at all. Which, I attribute this downward spiral that I am in, on. hahaha...

Sending nothing but good vibes your way. XO

"Moreover, he need not be concerned if he acquires a reputation for those vices without which he would be unlikely to save his state. For, everything considered, he will find things whihc, though seeming good, will lead to his ruin if pursued, and others whihc, though seeming evil, will result in his safety and well-being."

Fuck Bitches

Reading Machivelli, Devising war strategy. Fuck Bitches!

In an effort to make myself happy...Went out with Anna to, what turned out to be, a halloween college party. From what I remember, we found the fake blood.

Also, I got fired from Vinolio, the bar I worked at in Hollywood. The manager seemingly didn't like me. So, I really gotta find a job...Maybe even a REAL JOB this time around. Downloading Dreamweaver to start my motivational speaking site--Going to learn some Spanish and make rough edits to the book. Damn productive Mondays.

i give up.

after.

Between my current Zen Flesch and Kerouac binge...Life had to change. The past week or so I have been feeling mildly dejected about my whole male counterpart situation. Its not the person that I am mad about for not further pursuing. I am upset with the situation itself. I am mad because its such bullshit that I felt this huge flood of emotion with nothing as a result.

I am usually compeletely in control of how I feel--And for some reason I lost control at the wheel. I was a fucking wreck--A highly emotional wreck. I just got my peroid for the first time in nearly three months. Freaked out and took a pregnancy test a few weeks ago--It was just stress. I don't want to feel this stressed ever again....Nothing is worth my happiness.

Anyway, I am still a little bit frustrated with hearing my ego instead of my sprit guides with regards to this dude. It was my mistake, something inside of me was off. So strange, gut feelings are usually correct. I guess there is still a 10% likliness of error. Ew.

At least I am capiable of knowing that I can open up to someone. Just have to be more highly selective. Part of me wants to go back to the mindset that all men are skeezey douche bags, not that I am bitter or anything. ;) I remember my days of befriending the pick up artists. How hilarious--The social dynamics are so much fun to play with and examine.

I want to go out tonight in-cognito. Wear a hat, all black and just play with people. That always makes me happy. :)

The traffic here SUCKS. I really should go out in public, even if just to work. It'll be good for me I think. Incase there isn't internet there...Was great talking to you. Oh, I recorded some videos but, my photobooth app fucked up and only recorded 5 seconds worth of material. So bogus. Anyway, when I figure out the problem and grow big enough balls to actually get, "On stage," they'll be some new content for you. Otherwise, thought it may be a nice edition to start posting photos as well. Therefore, I took a picture of me today...Just so you can get a vibe of my general composure.

Namaste. :)

In a jack kerouac fit of furry, I just wrote a book. Granted, I've been working on it for about two years and it needs to be edited, designed, etc.

What a sense of accomplishment: I got all my complete ideas down, and in the process of being edited.

Holy shit--Two years of work finally has transpired into something tangible. Granted, its nowhere near being completed but a rough draft is a helluva lot closer to done than an idea in my brain.

Hey babe, take a walk on the wildside.

The lessons we all have to learn. Sometimes life has to give you a little smack on the ass. Loving and painful all at the same time.

I think its safe to write off this person who I thought was my soul-mate. Short-lived, indeed. This past week I have been so swept up in emotion. Feeling again--how strange. Even if this fantasy relationship didn't pan out I realized how much I would really like to have a cool dude in my life. I was really content with being single up until this big self-created mess entered my life. It would be beautiful to have a human I could fuck on a regular basis, and be able to just chill with and get some work done next to. I realized how much I missed having a partner in crime. Someone to relate to, and feel a connection with. Thinking I would get a helluva lot more work done as well.

I have my little hobbies and stuff I am doing...By the way, the smile book is coming along quite nicely. Just having some trouble translating what I want to say from thoughts into words. This is quite out of character. Really enjoying the creation process and feeling really empowered finally doing something that I love. Plus, I am working with a super talented, and beautiful person. I couldn't be luckier. Starting this book in full-force is a direct result of my ill-fated love adventure. Suppose I should not be so bitter about it--Especially depending on the wide-spread success of the smile therapy book.

Reading a lot about zen, meditation and such spiritual things. I even attended church last Sunday. Really reaching out for some divine guidance. For some reason I feel that tomorrow will end up being a quite an exciting day. Also, I have a very strong feeling about Friday. I think a miracle is going to happen in my life on Friday.

Back to the love scenario: I created the whole thing in my head. Remembering the reality of situations versus the fantasy you create is really important. Its good to be a dreamer--So, long as one foot is still rooted in reality. Its still unclear why I had this weird one-week love thing happen to me. Other than starting on my book, it also made me realize that there are awesome guys out there in the world. I can have whatever I want...He may have possessed all the positive attributes that I wanted...But, also had a laundry list of negatives that I didn't specify. Learned a lesson in detail. Fabio used to always tell me that--God is a God of detail. Point taken.

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.

best.video.ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSgiXGELjbc&feature=player_embedded

Today has been really strange. Actually, this entire week has been really strange. Oh, October. I really love you. The cool wind makes LA feel like a real place.

I realize that I haven't written in quite a while--Its true. It is not that I haven't wanted to...Its more or less that I have had nothing to say. The past week has been really quite brutal for me. I have not been much fun. It seemed that life hit the doldrums. They happen--Its part of the ebb and flow. I have been working relentlessly, incessantly for what has seemed like nothing. This week has been really stressful for me. I ended Friday with somewhat of an emotional breakdown...Haven't had one of those in ages. Anyway, I found myself in this delirium of misery. I just found myself extremely lonely in conjunction with one of my worst weeks of work in ages.

I felt this separation from self. My soul was telling me that it needed a break--Some peace and quiet. So, I took the weekend off work and relaxed. It was just what the doctor ordered. As a result, I have had an absolutely beautiful weekend. Through a series of coincidence, I met my soul mate. He lives in my backyard. I make these false proclamations often...Being in love and such sorts. This time I would take it a step beyond...because its common knowledge that I fall in love with everyone. Think I found someone I would consider my equal...Both spiritually and physically...and it seems he lives in my backyard. Seriously, I couldn't have wrote a story better than this...That's how I know its true.

The Easterlies.

Oh man. Tonight was one of those nights that I will never forget. I am an avid supporter of the theory of thought regarding the possibility of possibilities. Tonight proved for this openness to show different paths that were not what I perceived to be a possibility until they happened.

My night ended on the top of Beverly Hills at someone I really admires estate. The view was magnificent. Second only to standing atop a hill in Swaziland, Africa. You felt like you were literally on top of the world. We also watched this show from 1995...Its called, "Absolutely Fabulous." Hilarious, seriously. I had an amazing time this evening.

After such a "high" I got a text message from work...For which I proceeded to negotiate a deal out of a shortcoming. The details are rather insignificant...But, I was really happy because in the end--I got what I wanted through persistence. :D

Right now, I am feeling great. In a bit of a state of confussion due to the strange turn of events..but, hey! Thats life!

VICTOM OF LA

Damn. Today I was sitting at this joint off La Cienega and Santa Monica called, "Mexico." Its a gay/lesbian (please do not make assumptions) bar/restaurant. Had some amazing free-range chicken mole...Which, really pleased me. :)

I was hanging out with my roomie, Anna--One of her toys, and her former best friend. She's a sweetheart, seriously. One of the most kind-hearted people that I have ever had the great pleasure of meeting. At times, I feel like she is fearful of being her sweet self...As some sort of defense mechanism. Not really sure what that feeling is rooted in for her. Though, I can definetly sense that the edge that she has is either ego or fear.

Enough psychoanalysis. We were at dinner with this rather ginererly group of young folk. We had lots of conversation about fake tits, sex stories, relationship stories and lots of shittalk. I guess it was two friends re-uniting after a long time apart. As a result, there was ample rather loose conversation. I am always a fan of this--Perhaps I was just disinterested or in some deep mood this evening. Whatever the case may have been---The entire scenario was rather disenchanting. I felt bored, drifting and I would as far to even say, at points, lifeless in this dull exhcange of bullshit.

Could have it just been the crowd? Well, not really. Anna is a pretty smart girl. She can hold her own in intelligent conversation, as could the two others. So, the only thing that I can attribute such metaphoric vomit on is Los Angeles. Now, there are a couple of people who have legit conversations with me. Most are in private. Though, whenever thrust into a social atmosphere the pools have been drained. All we are left with is this shallow, catty shit-talk. Also, please note that I have acted with the foresight to understand that differnt strata exist. I have talked with the top of society down to the lowest tiers of the social latter. All have proven to be victom of this plague of LA.

Stay on course--You are the architect.

This weekend has been great. Went into it with some interesting vibes--Had a few bad dreams and what-not on Friday. Think that I have gained great clarity and resolution. In all honesty, I think yoga has helped me a lot. I can see why the practice has such a cult-like following. Also, its re-shaping my body, hardcore. Still lifting weights for my ass' sake. Oh, the beauty of human potential.

I think its really important to have an intention statement for the week. Stay on course--You are the architect. Its funny...Was thinking about how little things add up into big things. That's what life is--A series of decisions, and their consequences. Freedom of choice and accountability. Its heavy to look yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that you are the one that created your experience--Especially, if it is an experience that you aren't happy with.

Almost forgot how much I love Zombies and Robots.

http://www.myspace.com/zombiesorganize

It feels like its going to Halloween soon. I like it, a lot. :D

What a weird month. The past four weeks made me realize that I have control over nothing but my own attitude. Happy that I am finally stacking cash, learning Spanish, taking yoga religiously and studying for the GRE's. Went to CHI and NYC. Got a bit too involved with things outside of what should be important to me at this point. Its weird. I generally never exercise foresight nor restraint. You'll always hear me preaching about listening to your gut instinct--For once, I did. Have come to terms with my own materialism--Which, isn't bad because I want to earn it. Have looked to hardwork to carry me through. Finally, after hustling for years, I am starting to see some of my work paying off.

Yesterday, I was driving through Studio City. I passed a red Ferarri and my heart melted. Can't wait for my own. Had this grand realization that I am Katie Mother Fucking N. I am a crazy bitch that people love. I lost this fearlessness to be myself by thinking I had to be someone else in order to reach success. The times I have been most successful I was just being me. I attracted the right people in my life. Doors instantly opened up. Most importantly, I was happy. I finally feel secure enough again to be me. It takes a lot of courage to be yourself.

This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat. His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out: "hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise, I was just wondering if you were my son."

Had no wireless or time this week. Hope this paragraph made up for it.

I have nobody to play with.

Was super stoked when I woke up this morning, rightfully so. Today is my day off. :D I am kind of bored though. Starved for human interaction. Feeling like I need to be getting tipsy by a pool. Its really no fun being alone, sober and in a playful mood. I already finished everything on my list of things to do....Now I am lost. Its hot out. There is a shitload of traffic. I don't really feel like participating in consumerism. What is a girl to-do? I would usually beckon one of my hoes to hang out with. But, since I got rid of them all...I'm lost. Really. How fucked up am I?

Negligance

I really have to figure out how to mobilly upload pictures to this bitch. Really, the process of emailing, downloading, uploading is way too time consuming and exhaustive. I have some pictures to share as visuals for stories...bummer.

Got an interesting call from Kaptain this evening. He claims to have somehow become partners in the Jackson estate through some old court proceeding. "All I need is 10 million dollars." ...As do I. :D Meeting with him in the morning to go over the legallity of this MJ scenario. Kaptain told me that he trusts me and wants my help with running the MJ empire...Including all Michael's masters, wardrobe, etc. Worth checking out...But, what an unlikely path to head down? We'll see if it's legit. If I got to wear the original Thriller jacket, I'd be stoked. Anything beyond that may just blow my mind.

Yesterday I got called fat by a creepster. What is a creepster? Well, because I know you were thinking that anyway...A creepster is a creepy dude. What qualifies one as a creepster? To answer your question, a multitude of things. The particulars of this dude, whom I would consider to be a creepster, go as follows: Kept touching, feeling, groping, kissing and stroking me; bought me a toothbrush to keep at his place after a week of seeing him; would freak out on me for being un-affectionate; would get mad because I didn't want to sleep with him. Just a weirdo. Anyway, as a brutal (and successful) attack on my ego...He claims that I have "gained some weight" since we initially met. This is not only inaccurate, its fucked up that someone would actually personally attack me due to my weight. Its even worse, because I actually took his shit perspective into consideration and actually let it effect me. How dumb on my own accord.

Moving in with Anna and Maya shortly. Stoked. Getting a class set up for mom's mind and body. Think its a great step in the direction towards becoming a speaker. Registered for Spanish class. Prepping for the GRE's. Learning more about grad school in Spain. Took a keen liking to my "Internet boyfriend." Toastmasters starts this week. Been keeping up with writing and checking shit off my lists. Relationships with family members are solid. Might start working full-time at the charity I volunteer at, Project Angel Food. I am feeling like somewhat of an adult lately...Guess all this happened when I wasn't paying attention? Oh, ADHD.

Also, sometimes when I know that people read this (ex-boyfriends, boyfriends) it freaks me out. Almost like I should censor content. Upon further inspection, that is the worst idea ever...rather self-defeating. Sure they will get sick of slovenly sifting through the meandering conscious thought process that is this blog. Blog...what a shitty word.

Oh, and I had the most amazing idea today while watching television with my brother--He's like being around an old person. Or I guess that's what people do, right? They watch television? Regardless, the idea I had was to become a professional game-shower. Think I am going to start this conquest with "The Price is Right." All I have to say is, "$1."

And I digress. Tis time for sleep. Every time I sleep over at my brother's apartment I have some funky dreams. Not all are bad, but I've had some brutal nights here. Hoping to have a pretty rad lucid dream. Would love to fly, have sex, or do something that hasn't even been invented yet...like time travel or fully understanding hieroglyphics. Do you know that we are still working to understand hieroglyphics...crazy, right?

Anyway, I love you all...wishing you the world...sweet dreams.

Because I have to write this--I will.

Today was fantastic...Worked moderately hard at Project Angel Food doing some data processing. Streamlined their system with a rather ingenious detection method. Made me think about how much fun I have figuring out puzzles. This led to some major perspective on my primary motivators. I enjoy figuring things out and learning solutions or additional information about most anything. So long as I see a benefit from the time allocated to consuming information, I enjoy learning. Its wanting to do a rather undesirable or daunting task that motivates you to be passionate and successful. From what I gathered earlier today, its possible to just lie to yourself in saying that you want to learn a particular concept. Therefore, the undertaking of that task becomes easy and I would go as far to say, at times, fulfilling. Tricking yourself into positively responding after re-framing a situation is a pandora's box for me. There is so much uncharted potential regarding self-hypnosis and human potential, the sheer thought makes me anxious because of the sheer possibility of possibilities.

Hope you enjoyed that little nugget of random thought for the evening. I am off to endulge in some lucid dreams. Looking to meet up with a particular Irishman, maybe a unicorn and most definitely my best friends from times past. See you in my dreams. XO

A feeble attempt to keep content fresh, indeed.

This weekend has proven to be much more eventful than initially anticipated. Sometimes there are those days where nothing seems to be of great significance. Gently coasting through the rough patches and doldrums of everyday existence. Though, upon occasion, you will have days that stand out in accomplishment, hardship or otherwise. The past two days or so have possessed a distinct quality of luster--Even if both events may end up being a sparkle-and-fade.

In all honesty, I am not sure where to even begin. A wise man once said the easiest way to start is to start. Here goes....

Bruce:
An interesting Korean man. He is Remo's "Director/Screenwriter." Remo and him produced a feature film together. Both gentlemen did a rather "interesting" job, to say the least. Also, they just became investment partners on a property in Burbank. Bruce used to live in Los Angeles. Though, could not get his green card so, was forced to move back to Korea. He is a character in the truest sense. Scurries around, highly impatient, the architype of what you'd imagine an Asian to be like. Very thin, wears bright colors and as a work-machine. He loves being victorious whether it be in climbing mountains or math problems. Bruce is brutal, a shit-talking machine. Remo put Bruce on the duty to write a screen-play about the "love" story about my sister and I. This morning marked the completion of the screenplay. I think that it is hilarious that a film is being produced with me as a central character. Absolutely ridiclious. Just hope I get to cast the lucky lady. By the way, Bruce just walked into the room muttering, "Stupid fucking shit." under his breath. Not an uncommon phrase for old Brucie...and really embodies his general sentiment towards life in general--Love it.

Kaptain:
Kaptain Kirk Kirkland III http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbiJ4jFt4tM
What a character...At a loss for words to describe him. Though, got a funny phone call from Mr. Kirkland earlier about his, "Communicating with Michael Jackson." Apparently everyone is on this "Ghost of MJ" binge. I think its hilarious. That news in itself made me laugh SO HARD. Don't think I was supposed to say anything about it...because, I think its going to be part of his reality TV show. Trying to position myself as his life coach on the show--Plus, I will probably get to FINALLY meet Nelson Mandela through this opportunity. Life works in mysterious ways.

Between these two accounts in themselves, I think its compeletely hilarious. This week starts my new binge of getting shit done. Woke up at 7am to hike runyon canyon this morning. Was FAB. totally kicked my ass...Taking a few weeks off really does make a significant difference at least initially. Not really stoked for the process of slowly increasing cardiovascular endurance (what a painful endeavour) though, its well worth it.

Also, finally got my lazy-ass to start studying for the GRE. STOKED. Learning vocab now...Its actually really quite entertaining. Forgot how much I love to study...As awkward as that sounds, its the truth. Learning is beautiful. This year I have learned a lot from experiencing life. Really looking forward to learning from books and in classroom settings instead. Its a lot less painful and endearing that way.

Everything, in some paradoxial, warped, strange continium seems to be coming together in the most random, weird ways. Guess that's life.

Human Objects.

As promised...I am forcing myself to sit down and write this as a result of this motivation binge I am on currently. Its like the past few weeks have been the calm before the storm. I have just been waiting, and wanting for all hell to break loose (in the best way possible).

Today I had this rather impactful dialogue with my best friend. We were somewhere else for a good 3 hours. Connecting to the spiritual through the physical. Lifting weights seems to be one of those tranquil processes for both of us. Perhaps its the release of endorphins...or maybe just the concentration on the singularity of hard work. Whatever it may be, it works. All of my best ideas and greatest conversations happen during rigorous physical activity. Today was no different.

Andy, my best friend, brought up some very profound points. My reality expanded. Progress. Sometimes when I am in the doldrums of normalises its easy to get deterred from what really matters to self. Only when you are being, just being, will the universe, or God, or whatever you would like to call it brings along exactly what you need. It is only when you relinquish control and learn how to choose your own reality will things manifest into fruition. I also learned today that the movement isn't something that can be taught or learned. You feel it, and undeniably accept...or you don't. You must go through the gauntlet from hell to get to the other side. Everyone goes through it, just depends when.

Andy and I also spoke briefly on the subject of connection--human connection. How individuals starving for attention utilize social networking sites and twitter to find that fiber of connection. At the end of the day, most of us spend a lot of our free time behind a computer or cell phone and not in the physical. We are searching through people's facebook's and reading up about them on twitter rather than seeing, touching, smelling and even tasting each other. We are all starved for 3D contact. We are all hungry for something real and tangible. We put our lives online in hopes that people will be interested enough to talk to us, to communicate freely, to connect on some level. Hell, people are even shamelessly promoting when they brush their teeth...or are stuck in traffic. They want someone there to listen, to care, to understand and support them in whatever capacity available.

Anyway, enough of a tirade. Just some lofty concepts to think about. You do think, don't you...?

Elapsed.

This is a view from my bedroom. I am looking to get rid of my room in this place before 9/1. Hopefully stack some cash and move-on to the EU or NYC.

I have this overwhelming feeling that a big change is on hand. Spent a few days in Chicago and a few days in NYC. Saw tons of awesome people, it was really gratifying.

Learned that strategic planning can be more effective than once anticipated. Currently, I am looking into teaching English in Spain. Really looking forward to moving forward with Charlie's clothing line. Cannot wait to have our line in stores and on celebrities. I have a strong gut feeling that this will work out. Its about fucking time. :/ Though, in order to get our company off the ground it seems I am going to have to relocate. Think I'm officially over LA.

Taking my GRE's in October. Trying to find a more normal job for some consistent income OR travel extensively in the meantime. Realized the value of education...Though, it is a major burden taking on such debt. Finishing up the ass book. 2009 will end more triumphantly than my wildest expectations could predict.

V

I am slowly feeling revived as the pill dissolved into my blood stream. Here we go again. Earlier, it felt as if my heart was palpitating, enraged. I found myself drifting off into my own reflection. Staring, wandering aimlessly into the details of myself. Getting lost in the imperfections, the edges and boundaries of what are, what was and what will be--blurred. I was living in the moment. Air filled my lungs, and was released with a sigh of relief. This day was finally dead. Though there was this looming thick quality to the air that reminded me of that sticky, fermented taste of last night’s booze. As if there was still something that needed to dissipate with time. Whatever it was needed to be absorbed into something else.

And so the journey begins. I finally sat down to my computer with the intent to write a chapter, and hell I finally did. This is one of the most important lessons that I have ever learned. It is that you cannot get anything done without doing. There is always this playful characteristic in your head. You have the fear of not being able to create the masterpiece that you want. You are scared of your own shadow. You are afraid of the possibility of possibilities rather than just try and fail. What slips our minds is that you can try and win. You can be the person who finishes something on the first lofty attempt. You can be the outlier with the audacity to actually execute. There are all these lofty concepts that are constantly floating around in the depths of my skull. It seems that you have to allow yourself to get a little crazy. Take some risks, and be hell-bent on success. Have that laser focus of getting precisely what you want.

Recently, I have been telling people that I get whatever I want. In all honesty, anything that I have ever wanted…I found a way come hell or high water to get it. I really don’t care what bad stigmas or guilt that you carry walking into reading that statement. It is the truth, and that is how it should be. You should find a way to get what you want—Obviously exercising some moral obligations. You should get what you want--Choose to, you will.

I lost my mind a couple of years ago. Graduated college early at the top of my class. I wanted it, so I went out there and got it. There was a point where I wanted things but, couldn’t get them because I didn’t want them bad enough. I just went through the motions and made decisions based on what I “should” do rather than doing what my heart told me was right. Honestly, my life was in shambles at this point. I had absolutely no stability from the inside out…nor, the outside in. I lost it. Completely lost it.

So, as any crazy person does…You must spiral down your own abyss until you are good and ready to stop. The constant insanity becomes comforting. You grow attached to the absurdity. You like the pain. You enjoy the discomfort and loneliness because it becomes all you know. I have lived the past two years of my life like a vagrant. Moving from place to place…With brief episodes of living out of my car for up to months at a time. Matter of fact, while writing this I never had an idea of just how crazy I was. 16 apartments in 2 years, accented with periods of homelessness. I was so broke I could not eat some days. I couldn’t pay rent. Was behind in my bills. So out of character. For some reason I became obsessed with the need for struggle, I choose it. I felt like I had to have this constant battle for my story's purpose. In order for my own greatness to be a satiating tale for the reader through my own self-sacrifice. I was fucked up in the head. I had it set in my mind that I had to have nothing to appreciate everything. I learned to find the beauty in detail. I would spend hours a day hiking through the Hollywood Hills. It was gorgeous seeing Los Angeles with such perspective. Having “the view” that people pay millions of dollars for, watching all the ants marching below. Life took care of me, and for that I am lucky. I know if I made it through hell, I could make it through anything. Another funny thing is that I redefine “hell” quite often. It seems, as the quality of my life gets increasingly better, I think of hell with new perspective.

Why is radiohead so good?

Composing an Ab

Starting an "About me" section. To be transcribed and scripted for my new venture. Stoked...but, what the eff should I say about myself? EEEEKKKKKKK!!!

I love life!

In the midst of filing taxes. As of right now, I am getting $1200 back. Buying my ticket to Peru with those funds. Eff yeah! :D

Good Morning!

I woke up today at 7:30am. This is quite a feat for me. Though, laid back in bed to do some affirmations. It worked out swimmingly...Until, I fell back asleep. :/

I caught another sinus infection--Not really sure what my deal is, or why I keep getting these. I think my physical health is a reflection of my emotional health. In recent ventures, it is quite apparent that I am allowing myself to be used. Last week I visited a Shaman. Durek (the shaman) brought to my attention that I have a continious flow of positive energy coming out of me. People that are negative naturally gravitate towards me to "steal" this positivity. Rather than using the good energy for something productive. People just feed off of it and there is essentailly no use. Its like giving matter to a black hole.

Anyway, I feel like there has been alot of this in my life as of recently. I am really quite tired of letting people suckle off of me. Its just not working. I know that I will feel a ton better when I put an end to all this redic behaviour. So, rather than talking about putting an end to it...I just will put an end to it.

I had this crazy experience last night. Like part of me died. Kate as I knew her passed away. I embodied something much bigger, more aware and knowingly connected. I surrendered myself to what is. Rather than fighting against it...I decided to just be.

I lost my mind. Diving head first into the deep end. Couldn't be happier! :D

Back!

Fuck, dudes. What a long, strange trip its been. It feels like forever since I had a creative outlet. Thank god I remembered the password to this beast.

So much has happened...and nothing has happened. I am currently feeling a bit like death. So, I am going to get some sleep. Planning on checking in first thing tomorrow morning. Decided its about time to come up with some sort of productive routine. IE Wake up, yoga, blog, breakfast, etc, etc.

I'll talk to you in a few. <3

Check out my Tmblr

http://mamakate.tumblr.com/

Personal Evolution

I have no fucking idea what is going on. Felt my way into and out of situations. Perfectly satisfied with all of my decisions--Yet, absolutely nothing makes sense.