V

I am slowly feeling revived as the pill dissolved into my blood stream. Here we go again. Earlier, it felt as if my heart was palpitating, enraged. I found myself drifting off into my own reflection. Staring, wandering aimlessly into the details of myself. Getting lost in the imperfections, the edges and boundaries of what are, what was and what will be--blurred. I was living in the moment. Air filled my lungs, and was released with a sigh of relief. This day was finally dead. Though there was this looming thick quality to the air that reminded me of that sticky, fermented taste of last night’s booze. As if there was still something that needed to dissipate with time. Whatever it was needed to be absorbed into something else.

And so the journey begins. I finally sat down to my computer with the intent to write a chapter, and hell I finally did. This is one of the most important lessons that I have ever learned. It is that you cannot get anything done without doing. There is always this playful characteristic in your head. You have the fear of not being able to create the masterpiece that you want. You are scared of your own shadow. You are afraid of the possibility of possibilities rather than just try and fail. What slips our minds is that you can try and win. You can be the person who finishes something on the first lofty attempt. You can be the outlier with the audacity to actually execute. There are all these lofty concepts that are constantly floating around in the depths of my skull. It seems that you have to allow yourself to get a little crazy. Take some risks, and be hell-bent on success. Have that laser focus of getting precisely what you want.

Recently, I have been telling people that I get whatever I want. In all honesty, anything that I have ever wanted…I found a way come hell or high water to get it. I really don’t care what bad stigmas or guilt that you carry walking into reading that statement. It is the truth, and that is how it should be. You should find a way to get what you want—Obviously exercising some moral obligations. You should get what you want--Choose to, you will.

I lost my mind a couple of years ago. Graduated college early at the top of my class. I wanted it, so I went out there and got it. There was a point where I wanted things but, couldn’t get them because I didn’t want them bad enough. I just went through the motions and made decisions based on what I “should” do rather than doing what my heart told me was right. Honestly, my life was in shambles at this point. I had absolutely no stability from the inside out…nor, the outside in. I lost it. Completely lost it.

So, as any crazy person does…You must spiral down your own abyss until you are good and ready to stop. The constant insanity becomes comforting. You grow attached to the absurdity. You like the pain. You enjoy the discomfort and loneliness because it becomes all you know. I have lived the past two years of my life like a vagrant. Moving from place to place…With brief episodes of living out of my car for up to months at a time. Matter of fact, while writing this I never had an idea of just how crazy I was. 16 apartments in 2 years, accented with periods of homelessness. I was so broke I could not eat some days. I couldn’t pay rent. Was behind in my bills. So out of character. For some reason I became obsessed with the need for struggle, I choose it. I felt like I had to have this constant battle for my story's purpose. In order for my own greatness to be a satiating tale for the reader through my own self-sacrifice. I was fucked up in the head. I had it set in my mind that I had to have nothing to appreciate everything. I learned to find the beauty in detail. I would spend hours a day hiking through the Hollywood Hills. It was gorgeous seeing Los Angeles with such perspective. Having “the view” that people pay millions of dollars for, watching all the ants marching below. Life took care of me, and for that I am lucky. I know if I made it through hell, I could make it through anything. Another funny thing is that I redefine “hell” quite often. It seems, as the quality of my life gets increasingly better, I think of hell with new perspective.