My battle with laziness and gluttony.

6 pack or die.

Nach-Yo-Ho, Nachos.

SLINGIN' 'CHOS

Last night was the first night of working at my nacho stand. I set up outside of Les Deux at about 1am next to all the hot dog vender's. At first--People were rather taken back by my innovate idea. Then, once we scouted a better location...the business started to really pick up. It was probably one of the most degrading moments of my life...but whatever. I made the initial investment back. My sister, Kristen, was a complete and utter bitch about it. She was supposed to join me last night on the corner of Las Palmas and Hollywood...but, decided to sleep instead. She threw a bitch fit about getting her investment back...although she put no work in. I told her that we made the money back (including the tips I collected)...Though, I kept $40 for setting up, standing outside for 2.5 hours and clean-up. We have enough supplies to set up again tonight to make the rest of the investment back. I offered to work the stand for her...but expressed that it was rather unfair that I stood outside while she slept. If I had not gone out...all money invested would have been lost. Plus, she agreed to actually help run the stand. She flaked out. I went out. Was stripped of any dignity that I had...but whatever. She didn't care....Her and Julian got in a battle at 4am. She got mad that I kept an hourly wage...proceeded to punch me and stormed off screaming, "Call me when you break up with Julian."

Bogus.

Not that a family feud has started...but, I just don't give a fuck...because I can't give a fuck.

As an aside: Jajoura is doing well. : )

oh.man.

if this keeps up I am going to have to start sucking dicks for money. god help me.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thanks Julian...

Stanford Report, June 14, 2005

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Karma

So, I just got a call from my dad that he picked up my mom at the airport...now she is in the hospital. It never ends.

And it all came crashing down.

I don't remember the last time that I was really up. I guess my reality is simply my perception anyways. So, I should say that I don't remember the last time I perceived myself to be up. What I mean by, "up" is on top...success in its own right. My main objective in life is to wake up with a smile. If I am not waking up with a big smile on my face...then its time to change course. Granted, there will be times when you aren't going to be happy (conditional). An event out of your control can happen at pretty much any time.

The existentialist perspective that I use as my guide through life is that we are all on our very own ships in the middle of the sea. A person can be completely unprepared for an event (laying on the poop deck, getting a tan), Have their hand on the steering wheel with rain gear on or really any perceivable combination in between. Trade winds can blow the individual at any time. Its luck (preparation/opportunity) that will blow you triumphantly in the direction of your dreams or chance that will blow you directly off course. Hell, you can be at a total stand-still and just waiting for that damn gust in whatever direction it may blow you...just because it is a direction. Storms are inevitable at sea...and you never know when your ship may wreck...or when you will be found on a desert isle and greeted with the person of your dreams or your greatest demon.

I have no fucking idea where I am right now. Not really sure where is up, down, left, right or even diagonal. I am totally blind and deaf. All that is left is my sense of feeling. Fuck, I don't even know if I can feel anymore. My energy has been drained because everyone has been taking parts of me. I find myself unhappy and dissatisfied. I am tired of making other people happy. I am tired of waking up stressed out, unfilled and unhappy. My universe is not in balance. I just keep giving with nothing in return. I feel like I have given myself in its entirety. I feel empty, hollow and dead. All the life has been drained out of me and all I am left with is a shell.

I can't be here much longer...its time to just disappear. I need to get the fuck out. To where...I have no idea. Just go...and keep going until everything feels right and good again. I am over feeling pressured into doing what other people think I should do. That is what is making me unhappy. I have nothing, therefore I have nothing to lose.

I want to travel, write and speak. I do not want to live a conventional lifestyle. I do not give a fuck about materialistic things so long as I have my iphone, laptop and a toothbrush. I am over this shit.

I have NO FUCKING IDEA how I am going to make this happen. But, I know it needs to happen. I have settled down for 3 months and it's already been too long. I don't think I belong here (LA).

For your listening pleasure while reading this section:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5IIXeR5OUI&feature=related

I love Kristen with all my heart. I am so glad she is out of the fucking nut house that is my parent's reality. I am glad my mom laughed at me during my emotional breakdown that she induced in the middle of the club at The Standard. I am glad Rick smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes and drank a cranberry vodka (kidneyless) last night. I am glad that Julian cannot express himself emotionally in any sort of way that is kind or tactful. All of these negatives made me realize a positive: Why? If I am in the captain's seat of this ship...why do I steer into these downer situations. I am going to avoid them like the Bermuda triangle. If I am around such negative energy sources: I will be negative. You are what you surround yourself with...I just want to be happy before I take too many pills or trip off a bridge.

Yesterday was my life's rock bottom, hands down. Whatever was left of the little child inside of me full of love and understanding died. I think it had something to do with accepting that you have no mother. The loss is not caused by death, disease, turmoil...but, ignorance, spite and bitterness. Before Saturday...I couldn't fathom that a creature could exist in such vein of rejecting one of her own kin. But, I now know the truth--Anything is possible...and even worse...it can happen to you. I think a part of my heart turned cold and black over the course of my life. Saturday night confirmed all my fears and helped to remove the infected areas. They turned to ice and broke off--no salvaging them now. For some reason, I am ok with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67J_66hdN-I&feature=related

My friends are the family I chose...So it really is. I can't live my life for others because it will drive me insane. I decided to give my heart to myself and follow that little guy where ever he tells me to go...no matter how irrational or illogical...he knows a helluva lot more than I do. I will not settle. I will embrace the fact that I am impulsive and rather delusional. On the plus side: The innovators always are.

So, I am here today to face the world the way I want to see it. I feel self-love again. I am centered. I am in control of my ship once again...so, everyone in my way bests watch the fuck out. Ill transformer this bitch right over you.

MINI-PINCH-A-WOWOA

JAJOURA GNOUCHE <3

KIDNEy

So, after a week (+) of fucking around... I actually am down to work.

It took a long time to get to this point of actually being able to focus...but hey, I am here again. Today was very productive and relaxing. I am impressed! Seriously. I stayed up relatively late last night (til 11:30) to write out a schedule for myself to follow. I can whole-heartedly say that I have stuck to that regiment rather religiously (aside from a few tasks...but, rest assured...those will be fit in later ; )...

Life is kinda strange. As Remo told me...all things will be taken care of so long as you remain positive...this is true. I feel like I am progressing...but, there is no monetary rewards. My identity was stolen yesterday. Bank accounts frozen. And I should be stressing...but, I am not. I don't want hand-outs. I am too proud for that shit. I am ready for shit to just fall in place. Sacrifice after sacrifice with no endgame. The times will change. I want to make $2000/week or more from now until the end of the year. I love my job. I love the direction my company is moving. I am excited to guest speak. All is well.

I have two feet, functioning organs, a decent mug, a smile and positivity on my side. There is nothing more that I can ask for...aside from some reputable success. FUCK.

I would say that my greatest challenge in LA is the fact that nobody takes my creds seriously. Even Julian didn't believe that I was decent at marketing until I had to, "break it down for him." BOGUS. But, whatever. Its to my advantage. Adversities generally turn out to be an individual's greatest advantages.

Cindy, my client is a ray of sunshine. It feels weird to say this...but she feels more like a mom than my own ever has. I know that the relationship I have with her is a totally professional one...But, she is for sure one of the only reasons I will ever wake up at such an un-Godly hour for. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful, inspiring person in my life. This is most defiantly the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

My mom is in town this week. She is a sweetheart. I have been having some major problems with not being a total bitch to my brother. He is SO NEEDY its completely out of hand. He still has some serious growing up to do. Everyone feels sympathy for him (rightfully so). But, there are people that are diagnosed with terminal diseases that are in much better spirits than hims. It is rather discouraging that he is SO NEGATIVE all the time. My parents totally accommodate him (what's new). All I hear about is whats going on with Rick...Rarely am I asked what's new with me. I hate being jealous, which I am. But, its not the most unreasonable request to have one's parents care about all children equally.

My mom being here has made me realize how fucked up I actually still am. Before, the distance between my parents and I seemed very healthy. Although, they never really made attempts to see or call me I was seemingly fine with that...because I isolated myself from the rest of my immediate family. Now that my mom is staying with me and spending quality time with both my brother and sister...though, not including yours truly in anything. Not that this is something new---It still bothers me. It sucks having a parent that doesn't love you as much as the rest of your siblings. I cannot begin to describe the feeling that it gives a person. For christ's sake...she wouldn't even sign parental permission forms for me in junior high or high school. One time after tennis, in my sophomore year...I thought I broke my arm. Totally conveyed this to my mother and she showed up 2 hours after my bus arrived back at my high school that evening. Her nor my father ever showed up for one tennis match in 4 years...and they picked me up about a total of 7 times out of (75 practices/season x 4 seasons)= 300 opportunities. Not very good odds. I guess I am still bitter? But, thats what I went to therapy for...perhaps its time I go back? Or maybe just flea the country totally anonymously.

My friends mean everything to me. More so than my family. I need to see them soon....Otherwise I may just go crazy.

Chicago is home...always. Though, I will never live there again...Its ok. The people are what makes it so awesome...and their character and spirit will never leave me.

The Night Owl.

ABSURD.

I am in love. I have tried to fight it, oh trust me. I have tried my hardest to not fall for someone...but, I am FUCT.

Admittedly, I am scared shit less of what can be another epic emotional demise. But, its bad for an individual to completely close themselves off from another person...so I won't. I really just hope that I don't get fucked in the end. That is only for time to tell, and me not to stress about at this point in the relationship. The future is totally unpredictable...so God only knows what it may hold in store for me.

I have to stop thinking and just follow my heart. So, I will. My new infatuation is a very strong man, indeed. At times I feel myself with a little bit of an inferiority complex. He is very successful given his current situation...and generally never lets me forget it. I have always, and will always try my best. At times, I feel like he doesn't realize this. We started at two completely different ends of the spectrum....and given my start point...I am doing fucking awesome. I shouldn't have to explain myself (a situation for which I feel as if I am thrust in quite frequently). I should be challenged...yet, more importantly encouraged. I face enough cynics...I need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be alright. I am a strong chick, for sure. I have the battle scars to prove it. But, being taken seriously as a woman is hard. It changes your world when you actually find a person who believes in and supports you. A person who has your back when you set out to take on the world. The progression from good friend or person you want to fuck into a partnership is an interesting, intense and natural switch. Perhaps I am just rushing things...or have very high expectations and demands. But, it is what it is, and I am who I am.

Oh the struggle.

My second peroid is over. Back on BC. Read a book about relationships called, "The Way of the Superior Man." Every guy and girl I know needs to read that bitch...if you ever want a healthy relationship! Working hard again. Writing a diet and exercise routine tonight. Life is back on schedule, with no real schedule. Its a beautiful thing.

FUCT.

So, I now officially work for myself. A phrase I have worked so hard, and so dilligently for so long to be able to mutter...now a reality. That thought itself whole-heartedly blows my fucking mind. I cannot even express in words how great this accomplishment is for me. I took the leap. And God, life could not be better.

While I was meandering around the gym (4 days+counting) left...I had this psuedo revelation: my life has become relatively normal. Now, this is something that I have never felt before. All internal struggles have been quieted. I just spaced out and was like, "whoa, i'm actually happy." I have a man that I am mad for. I have a job that I love, and is relatively profitable. I am starting an empire. Closer than ever with my family. Relatively fit. Live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, around some of the most beautiful people. I have two legs, two arms, and two eyes. A good head on my shoulders and shoes on my feet.

After being in hell for so long...everything just came together without me even seeing it coming. When I reach the point where I just stop caring and stop looking...it all just hits me. My life is exactly how I want it to be. Weird.

6 Week Goals

1. Study, Register and Take the GRE's
2. Build up clients for Training/Life Coaching
3. Start advertising for motivational speaking engagements and hold at least 1.
4. Start writing book (again).
5. Wake up happy and thankful to be alive.
6. Drop 3% bodyfat by the implementation of my own wellbeing plan.