Completely lacking motivation today. It is rather disappointing that I have been sleeping/sitting around seemingly all afternoon. About to go hiking, put in a few applications in Sunset Plaza then make dinner for a friend. Baked dill salmon with truffle oil infused baby potatoes and miniture carrots. Should be quite delectable.

Regardless, tomorrow I must kick ass. Today I was lagging behind. In my own defense: I did work all weekend. It was really nice to have a day to myself. Plus, I couldn't fall asleep last night, at all. Which, I attribute this downward spiral that I am in, on. hahaha...

Sending nothing but good vibes your way. XO

"Moreover, he need not be concerned if he acquires a reputation for those vices without which he would be unlikely to save his state. For, everything considered, he will find things whihc, though seeming good, will lead to his ruin if pursued, and others whihc, though seeming evil, will result in his safety and well-being."

Fuck Bitches

Reading Machivelli, Devising war strategy. Fuck Bitches!

In an effort to make myself happy...Went out with Anna to, what turned out to be, a halloween college party. From what I remember, we found the fake blood.

Also, I got fired from Vinolio, the bar I worked at in Hollywood. The manager seemingly didn't like me. So, I really gotta find a job...Maybe even a REAL JOB this time around. Downloading Dreamweaver to start my motivational speaking site--Going to learn some Spanish and make rough edits to the book. Damn productive Mondays.

i give up.

after.

Between my current Zen Flesch and Kerouac binge...Life had to change. The past week or so I have been feeling mildly dejected about my whole male counterpart situation. Its not the person that I am mad about for not further pursuing. I am upset with the situation itself. I am mad because its such bullshit that I felt this huge flood of emotion with nothing as a result.

I am usually compeletely in control of how I feel--And for some reason I lost control at the wheel. I was a fucking wreck--A highly emotional wreck. I just got my peroid for the first time in nearly three months. Freaked out and took a pregnancy test a few weeks ago--It was just stress. I don't want to feel this stressed ever again....Nothing is worth my happiness.

Anyway, I am still a little bit frustrated with hearing my ego instead of my sprit guides with regards to this dude. It was my mistake, something inside of me was off. So strange, gut feelings are usually correct. I guess there is still a 10% likliness of error. Ew.

At least I am capiable of knowing that I can open up to someone. Just have to be more highly selective. Part of me wants to go back to the mindset that all men are skeezey douche bags, not that I am bitter or anything. ;) I remember my days of befriending the pick up artists. How hilarious--The social dynamics are so much fun to play with and examine.

I want to go out tonight in-cognito. Wear a hat, all black and just play with people. That always makes me happy. :)

The traffic here SUCKS. I really should go out in public, even if just to work. It'll be good for me I think. Incase there isn't internet there...Was great talking to you. Oh, I recorded some videos but, my photobooth app fucked up and only recorded 5 seconds worth of material. So bogus. Anyway, when I figure out the problem and grow big enough balls to actually get, "On stage," they'll be some new content for you. Otherwise, thought it may be a nice edition to start posting photos as well. Therefore, I took a picture of me today...Just so you can get a vibe of my general composure.

Namaste. :)

In a jack kerouac fit of furry, I just wrote a book. Granted, I've been working on it for about two years and it needs to be edited, designed, etc.

What a sense of accomplishment: I got all my complete ideas down, and in the process of being edited.

Holy shit--Two years of work finally has transpired into something tangible. Granted, its nowhere near being completed but a rough draft is a helluva lot closer to done than an idea in my brain.

Hey babe, take a walk on the wildside.

The lessons we all have to learn. Sometimes life has to give you a little smack on the ass. Loving and painful all at the same time.

I think its safe to write off this person who I thought was my soul-mate. Short-lived, indeed. This past week I have been so swept up in emotion. Feeling again--how strange. Even if this fantasy relationship didn't pan out I realized how much I would really like to have a cool dude in my life. I was really content with being single up until this big self-created mess entered my life. It would be beautiful to have a human I could fuck on a regular basis, and be able to just chill with and get some work done next to. I realized how much I missed having a partner in crime. Someone to relate to, and feel a connection with. Thinking I would get a helluva lot more work done as well.

I have my little hobbies and stuff I am doing...By the way, the smile book is coming along quite nicely. Just having some trouble translating what I want to say from thoughts into words. This is quite out of character. Really enjoying the creation process and feeling really empowered finally doing something that I love. Plus, I am working with a super talented, and beautiful person. I couldn't be luckier. Starting this book in full-force is a direct result of my ill-fated love adventure. Suppose I should not be so bitter about it--Especially depending on the wide-spread success of the smile therapy book.

Reading a lot about zen, meditation and such spiritual things. I even attended church last Sunday. Really reaching out for some divine guidance. For some reason I feel that tomorrow will end up being a quite an exciting day. Also, I have a very strong feeling about Friday. I think a miracle is going to happen in my life on Friday.

Back to the love scenario: I created the whole thing in my head. Remembering the reality of situations versus the fantasy you create is really important. Its good to be a dreamer--So, long as one foot is still rooted in reality. Its still unclear why I had this weird one-week love thing happen to me. Other than starting on my book, it also made me realize that there are awesome guys out there in the world. I can have whatever I want...He may have possessed all the positive attributes that I wanted...But, also had a laundry list of negatives that I didn't specify. Learned a lesson in detail. Fabio used to always tell me that--God is a God of detail. Point taken.

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.

best.video.ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSgiXGELjbc&feature=player_embedded

Today has been really strange. Actually, this entire week has been really strange. Oh, October. I really love you. The cool wind makes LA feel like a real place.

I realize that I haven't written in quite a while--Its true. It is not that I haven't wanted to...Its more or less that I have had nothing to say. The past week has been really quite brutal for me. I have not been much fun. It seemed that life hit the doldrums. They happen--Its part of the ebb and flow. I have been working relentlessly, incessantly for what has seemed like nothing. This week has been really stressful for me. I ended Friday with somewhat of an emotional breakdown...Haven't had one of those in ages. Anyway, I found myself in this delirium of misery. I just found myself extremely lonely in conjunction with one of my worst weeks of work in ages.

I felt this separation from self. My soul was telling me that it needed a break--Some peace and quiet. So, I took the weekend off work and relaxed. It was just what the doctor ordered. As a result, I have had an absolutely beautiful weekend. Through a series of coincidence, I met my soul mate. He lives in my backyard. I make these false proclamations often...Being in love and such sorts. This time I would take it a step beyond...because its common knowledge that I fall in love with everyone. Think I found someone I would consider my equal...Both spiritually and physically...and it seems he lives in my backyard. Seriously, I couldn't have wrote a story better than this...That's how I know its true.

The Easterlies.

Oh man. Tonight was one of those nights that I will never forget. I am an avid supporter of the theory of thought regarding the possibility of possibilities. Tonight proved for this openness to show different paths that were not what I perceived to be a possibility until they happened.

My night ended on the top of Beverly Hills at someone I really admires estate. The view was magnificent. Second only to standing atop a hill in Swaziland, Africa. You felt like you were literally on top of the world. We also watched this show from 1995...Its called, "Absolutely Fabulous." Hilarious, seriously. I had an amazing time this evening.

After such a "high" I got a text message from work...For which I proceeded to negotiate a deal out of a shortcoming. The details are rather insignificant...But, I was really happy because in the end--I got what I wanted through persistence. :D

Right now, I am feeling great. In a bit of a state of confussion due to the strange turn of events..but, hey! Thats life!