Clueless.

Was at lucky strike tonight and nearly fell off the stool I was sitting on. Then I started laughing, hard. Then I started thinking about everything. Have been so in the zone of conceptually magnifying things/problems. Everyone is making up everything as they go along. Nobody has a clue, nothing is written on the wall. We are all equally confused. Some are better at bullshitting others that they know what's up. But really, how could they? Anything could happen at any possible time. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are lying.

By being open to opportunities and experiences think it is possible for someone to have less of a set course of existence? What is the point of living if you are moving to the beat of repetition? Maybe its just me. I don't understand. Guess just add that to the laundry list of things I have no clue about. As shitty as things can be, at least your life has the potential to change at any moment. In fact, it will. Change is the only constant. Well, so is time. But, living in the 3rd dimension, we have no firm understanding of the 4th dimension--time. We just make up that we understand how it works based on one fact--You cannot un-crack an egg. There is just so much out there that we don't know.

While at LACMA yesterday I was staring at a few Picasso paintings. He created something that nobody thought of before. A style unique to himself--That is what made him great. That is what makes all of us great--The unconventional. That is what makes great men great--innovation, creativity and the ability to ask the question, "why not?"

Ew,

Just got back from my sister's house. She was full of negative energy as was Remo. Is there anyway to give your soul a bath without having to attend church? In this weird mood after being in their dark cloud. I can't sit home alone anymore. I am in the middle of the 2nd largest city in the US and feel all alone. My mom wouldn't go to the art museum with me today because she had to get an oil change for my brother's car--Cool. WALLOWING IN MY OWN SELF-PITY.

Life is good, all things considered. Gotta stay positive.

I cannot stop listening to Biggie, Tupac, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and Jay Z. I am a woman possessed.

Thought I was going to end up somewhere tropical today. Guess I was wrong?

Admittedly, didn't exhurt much effort towards making this vision a reality. My plan lacked follow-through. Think this Christmas will turn out different than I initially planned. Well, I don' t have a plan. Has potential to go in a multitude of directions. Excited to see how it turns out.

Christmas is a really traumatic time for me. I tend to lose my mind. Repressed childhood memories...surfacing.

Got kicked out of church tonight, Christmas. Remo asked us to leave because I made kris (my sister) and emily (his niece) laugh. The priest looked like Dracula, couldn't help myself. Of course I would get kicked out of church on Christmas, why not?

Tomorrow will be a great day. Wishing you the same...

Hey kiddos,

Today was great--Got shit done. Feeling like I have become nocturnal. I kind of miss it--Most creative at night.

Anyway, it feels good to be on top of shit. Have some rough edits tomorrow for this little project I took on. Should work out swimmingly. Clean car. Clean hair. Clean laundry. Clean apartment. Christmas shopping done (except for one human).

Trying to wage a rap battle on my Facebook. Its going well so far. Think most posts will be made on Christmas when everybody is bored @ family parties. Stoked to see the outcome.

Its been a weird week. Deja vu, or do I say that a lot? Didn't try anything new today (other than maybe getting work done). haha... Will have to make up for it tomorrow. Excited to see what the day holds.

XO

Think it is only logical if I stop evaluating what I am feeling...Its kind of funny all the shit you tell yourself rather than acknowledging the reality of the situation. What is the reality of the situation?

All I know is that it is 73 degrees and sunny--I have nothing to complain about.

CCR

Life is random. Woke up to some pretty fucked up dreams and a headache. I attribute it to multi-dimensional travel. Every Sunday night since I moved to Hollywood I have been plagued with night terrors. Only on Sundays though. Its kinda fucked up.

Rick, my brother is being an asshole because I would not conduct a drug deal for him. Glad he's gained perspective since receiving a kidney. Some people just do not get it. I am not going to let his bad energy rain on my parade.

Also, came to terms with my neighbor. Was convinced that he would be capiable of evolving--Seemed he wanted the progress. Nobody is irreplaceable--I learned, grew. Seeing my roomate being so consumed in her relationship with her boyfriend makes me kind of sick. I don't really remember what it feels like to have such passion towards another human being. Its such an emotional process--Too heavy. I do not choose that right now. Really quite happy where I am at--I have my own identity, my own life, my own friends. So important....I have too much love to limit it to one person. The person I do choose will recognize this and let me be free. By virtue, I will give myself to them. For some reason I keep thinking about Ryan Blake. He encouraged me to be myself--From a place of love. Wow, I fucked that one up--He needed get a taste of life. Him, or someone like him is out there...Just have to keep being myself and eventually we will cross paths. Until then, homegirl has to just keep on keeping on...Afterall, that's all I can do. :)

Have a feeling this week is going to be way different than anticipated. Hope I end up on a tropical island or ski resort...We shall see....

Not sure if its hormones that are making me absolutely nuts...But, goddamn. Today is one of those days. Just disgruntled with life in general. Need to evolve. Moving into action. Realized that everyone is totally insecure. Everyone is frail, weak and vulnerable at times. Hate to admit it but, I am as well. Got my feelings hurt pretty badly. I loathe this feeling of violated trust and warped sense of reality. Cognitive magnification at its best. Self-doubt over one human being is such a waste of time and energy that could be allocated to something forward-moving. Forgot how heavy it can be when you fall hard. At least this pain makes me feel uncomfortable, alive. How endearing it is to be human.

Stayed in LA this weekend. The aftermath of Downtown Art Walk in the rain. Hair is looking rather mermaidian. Love working to the Rolling Stones Pandora channel--Life is good. :)

Blunts and Bitches

Ticket to NYC is booked. Guess I'm going to this place called Soho House or something along those lines. Should be fun--Hear it is kind of scene. Excited to see Mike and Tom--They are both hilarious. Hanging out with 2 ex-boyfriends at the same time, only I would pull that shit.

Haven't told anybody that I am leaving town. Think its kinda funny because my parents are still here. Think its possible to sneak away to NYC for 3 days without anyone noticing? For some reason, think FB will incriminate me. Have so much shit to finish up tomorrow!

Oh, and random event of the day. Was at The Griddle, off Farfax/Sunset for a late breakfast. Got into this hour long dialogue with what turned out to be some comedian. He was the main character in this show, "Grounded for life." Guess he's adapting some Jack Kerouac screenplay. I get to read it. I love Kerouac. Best.News.Ever. Followed by the worst news ever....While at a movie (and the phone was on silent)...Missed the phone call/text invite to Snoop Dogg's after party for his show with Travis Barker. Snoop, Travis, blunts and bitches--Who could think of a better Tuesday night?

So glad I don't have kids. OH GOD. People I went to high school with on FB. Man, couldn't even imagine a child at this point in the game. Think I would rather have a death sentence.

With that said, been rocking out getting shit done. Volunteering at a charity event called, "Divine Design" tomorrow. Will hopefully have my fannie packs ready by this time next year. Think I am going to make Kaptain my lead designer. Getting the designs done is priority so I can edit the business plan accordingly. Plus, might be headed to NYC for the weekend. Meeting with the former owner of Calvin Klien, Kennith Cole, Nine West, etc. At minimum, he can point me in a direction. Fuck it!

Made a goal this week: To try 1 new thing everyday. Also, I am plotting a way to update friends/family/boys about my life without actually having to talk to them. It seems like such a waste of time having the same conversation over and over again. One directive link with imagery should do the trick. Hoping by the end of the week I will have reached a resolution.

Stoked that my brothers are doing well. Really happy that I found The Rolling Stones Pandora channel. Excited for the unlimted possiblity that this week holds. Who knows where I will be on Friday? :D

Lesson Learned.

Think after hiking 2 mountains (one time with sprints), along with a yoga class and weight lifting session...I am over my emotional turmoil. Re-injured my ankle today...So, I am stuck at home with my foot up. Is good, now I have to work rather than play.

Rick is getting his kidney transplant tomorrow. My mother and I had a bonding experience today. She has a bunch of serious health issues herself. It is somewhat scary. I would really like to get to know her, given we had somewhat of a rocky start. There is a lot of her personality in me--She is a free spirit, its in my blood. Sometimes, in fleeting moments, where your world is in chaos, everything makes sense. Today, I got why I am the way that I am.

My foot is throbbing, this sucks. I haven't been hurt in a long time. Really hard to do remedial tasks when you can barely walk. Kinda nervous for tomorrow. Feeling quite liberated, all things considered. Realized the reality of my situation on multiple levels. I need to be totally selfish--No one person is worth my success or failure. I need to get to know my mother more. I got played by someone I thought was solid--Loved me and left me via text. Pretty bad. At least I learned a few lessons.

Work it.

Finding motivation to sit still for five minutes and start the brutal undertaking of rewriting a business plan for the fannie packs. Emotion-heavy nonsense is distracting. I just want to get things done, and all this emo bullshit is preventing that from happening. There has to be a way to eliminate it--I must find it.

Reading Kerouac quotes for inspiration. Trying to be one with the moment. A little difficult with such heavy thoughts. Everything will work out exactly how it should--I take solace in this school of thought.

Going to try to work for the next several hours solid...Go out, socialize and keep on keeping on this project. A lot of work--Daunting. Will be so gratifying when I finally finish this project. Its been 2 years in the making...

• He saw that all the struggles of life were incessant, laborious, painful, that nothing was done quickly, without labor, that it had to undergo a thousand fondlings, revisings, moldings, addings, removings, graftings, tearings, correctings, smoothings, rebuildings, reconsiderings, nailings, tackings, chippings, hammerings, hoistings, connectings — all the poor fumbling uncertain incompletions of human endeavor. They went on forever and were forever incomplete, far from perfect, refined, or smooth, full of terrible memories of failure and fears of failure, yet, in the way of things, somehow noble, complete, and shining in the end. This he could sense even from the old house they lived in, with its solidly built walls and floors that held together like rock: some man, possibly an angry pessimistic man, had built the house long ago, but the house stood, and his anger and pessimism and irritable labourious sweats were forgotten; the house stood, and other men lived in it and were sheltered well in it.