Endurance.

I am not sure why I am sooooo into posting pictures of my facial expressions up here. There are a multitude of different looks. Perhaps if you know me...the mood of the post will make a little more sense. Like video..but easier.

Regardless, I have been into these videos (for no particular reason). Perhaps it is just the mood of my life right now.

Today I had my final interview for the position I am applying for in SanFran. My brother just called me explaining how he is apparently getting married. For his allowance...He has offered to pay nearly half of my rent if I was to move to LA. Plus, I still have the credit on Airitalia that I need to use by the first of May. Oh, the places you'll go.

I found Cubs tickets on Sunday. Though, didn't use/sell them. Some moral issue that I can't seem to explain. Also, a rep from the Chicago Fire hooked it up with a couple of tickets to their home opener for tomorrow (or today I guess). I took them and gave em' to one of my co-workers who wanted to take his son. Hopefully they get the chance to go.

Not that I do things with the intent of getting anything in return...but, fuck. I am not a bad person. I am really tired of getting fucked.

Today at work...I was excluded from several conversations as usual. I am tired of people disliking me for no valid reason. I am nice to everyone. I am not out to get anyone. There is enough success for all. I just don't get it. Life isn't fair...I get that. I have worked hard and have a few good friends (which I cannot even express in words how thankful I am that they are in my life) and a good family. Dysfunctional at times...but, kind hearted...and understanding. I need something more. Perhaps a bit of financial security and some travel. I don't want things...I want expereinces. I guess this one of them...but fuck. Isn't it over yet?

Anyway...these are some things for you to check out. Send me more. I want to see what touches you.

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3Kd7IGPyeg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPoI5gWhC6w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8Z1MpcyqQU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gLWTtlMwo4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDzl6ZQpSOo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP5J4W5GQ3w

late.

<3

He is the man for me. Unconditional love for 9 solid years.

site.

Clarity.

As the previous post states...Yesterday I was running around getting beer for ungrateful bastards when all of a sudden I had this moment of clarity. It was the coalescence of everything that I have consciously chosen to be thrust upon me. I hated my life. Then I felt this overwhelming feeling of all control being lost.

I had an interview at Fox Networks yesterday morning...and tried...but, didn't really try. The shitty, stuffy, slacks wearing, cubicle-ridden atmosphere was a wonderful reminder of what I didn't want to be doing with my life. A job that most young media pups like myself would kill for...and here I am not really feeling it.

So now what?

I hate the career path that I had "chosen" and I hate waiting tables. My schedule was cut down to 3 days/week. Which is cool...but I am in love with having a fat savings account. I feel this weight on my chest. A weight I haven't felt in months. "Fuck, what do I do?"

At this precise moment in time I have a revelation, the exact revelation that I was banking on happening given my strategic situation: FUCK THIS.

I realize that the entry level job I will inevitably hate (creating excel spreadsheets, making powerpoints, etc.) along with being a server isn't the end all of my life. Its actually shit I hate doing...So, given my work ethic, persistence, network and passion...why am I doing this? Why am I hating my life for a shitty job? Who says I have to start at the bottom? Society? Who says I need to work for a big company or have an MBA to become "someone." Fuck that noise. I am someone...I am Katie FUCKING N..." (if you personally know me...you'll know that).

So, my plan worked. Placing myself in an absolutely SHIT PLACE with no options out has forced me to gain this desire to succeed on my own. I've got world's balls in my hands as we speak. And do you know why? Because I think so. And as simple as it is...that is all it takes.

What is reality anyway? Whatever the fuck you want it to be...that's what.

And so my next chapter begins.

This is me a few minutes ago after a long night of beerwenching. RAW.

My life doesn't suck. I am complacent and unmotivated. Its fucking true. After getting pushed around, having had my ass grabbed numerous times and then degraded like I can't fucking hit a button on a computer and carry a drink...I have decided that the reason I feel so shitty is because I am not moving forward.*

Buttttt, I am about to pass out. I'll write more in the AM. TBC...

Learning Curves.

Give up control.

Don't think, act.

You're young...be reckless.

Nerosis.

As centered as I let myself think I was....it was all a fallacy.

I am trying my hardest to not slip into another deep depression. About a month-and-a-half ago I was at my parent's house threatening suicide. Slowly but surely I started regaining some sanity. I fed myself bullshit so I wouldn't lose my mind. What I didn't anticipate is that bullshit always catches up with you.

An overwhelming feeling of loss is consuming me. I have somehow left myself with no options, no genuine friends, no close family members, nobody. This was not by choice. I really don't know how it happened...actually. I guess nobody worries about me. I don't want them to. Regardless of how strong I portray myself...I am only human. I have feelings. Insecurities. Issues.

I now understand what I cheap whore feels like. I have given myself to a lot of people--In whatever capacity that I could. I have given myself to work. Becoming a good person. Being honest and understanding. Exercising good character. Though, at the end of the day I am left with nothing besides this overwhelming feeling of emptiness.

I have given up all faith in everyone and everything. I kept going when the times got tough. I didn't end it when I wanted to. I still smiled at strangers...and helped out anyone in need. I worked as hard as I could. And truly tried my best.

Again, I am one human being...and I can only give so much without getting anything back. I have learned a lot of lessons...but I am far past due for a thread of hope to cling onto.

I am paddling to stay afloat...though my muscles have been so tired for so long. One by one they are giving out. My brain is getting cloudy...and my heart feels empty. I am in desperate need of a rescue ship.