I am looking for a job.
The Fear.
The Terror.
The Despair.
Broke A$ Fuck is what we are.
Yesterday we recorded a bunch of shit in HD for me to send out to potential employers. I hope someone likes what I have to offer. It is really scary putting yourself out there. Standing in the face of fear, not making the rent, defeat.
I used to have the world by the balls...and now I have a lot of potential still...but this stagnation is taking away from it. Once you have a taste of what power feels like...and then lose it...the world gets turned upside down. That is the primary causation of my breakdown. The fact that I went from someone to nobody literally overnight. BOGUS.
But taking that shit in strides is part of it. I am going to get a job that isn't totally enthralling...but is something. I want to go back to school...but need to return to zero first. I decided to just go with the flow. Accept my situation and rock out with my figurative cock out. That is all you can do at times like this.
Monday, January 14, 2008
After the breakdown
Well, Last week I was a hot mess to say the least. I think I took about 2 weeks off of life in order to regroup and figure out what the fuck is going on. Well, I am still not too sure as to what is going on...but at least I am feeling mildly better about myself.
It was very strange..all things from my past suddenly came to a close. I freaked out on my parents...not at them..but on them. Had a total breakdown. Woke up after my usual 17 hours of sleep that the depression I was in caused.
I learned that working out deeply affects my psyche...for sure. I need those endorphins. I keep getting chronic headaches and it kind of blows. When it rains it pours. Feast and famine. Etc.
I miss all of my friends..but I have recently realized who is really important to me...and who is just frontin'. It is really important to come to terms with this.
Moving forward is just as important as remembering the past.
As a side note: Ryan is absolutely amazing. He has helped me so much with everything...and I cannot say thank you enough for his kindness. He is truly a beautiful person...and I cannot wait to see where life takes us.
I mean...if someone could love that...they have to be the kindest soul ever.
It was very strange..all things from my past suddenly came to a close. I freaked out on my parents...not at them..but on them. Had a total breakdown. Woke up after my usual 17 hours of sleep that the depression I was in caused.
I learned that working out deeply affects my psyche...for sure. I need those endorphins. I keep getting chronic headaches and it kind of blows. When it rains it pours. Feast and famine. Etc.
I miss all of my friends..but I have recently realized who is really important to me...and who is just frontin'. It is really important to come to terms with this.
Moving forward is just as important as remembering the past.
As a side note: Ryan is absolutely amazing. He has helped me so much with everything...and I cannot say thank you enough for his kindness. He is truly a beautiful person...and I cannot wait to see where life takes us.
I mean...if someone could love that...they have to be the kindest soul ever.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The State of Stagnation
Ain't life grand?
Well, at least that is the bullshit that I have been feeding myself as of lately. Its not that I am notably depressed...I am just confused. My one wish would be to figure out what has gotten me into this mad funk that I am in. Graduating school, being $50,000 in debt, unemployed, having bangs, not working out, lack of reading and meditation, little to no exertion regarding my social life. Slothing it.
My life used to be this wonderful, thriving menagerie. I was at the top of the world. I was kicking the shit out of school, working hard, playing hard, working out, constantly learning new things, meeting new people...living the dream. Though, I did lack time to myself...It was a sacrifice well worth making. I am not sure where or how I lost it. I am pretty sure that the constant stress of being broker than I ever imagine has just spawned a constant flow of negative, depressing emotions.
With the goal of getting my life back on track. Just yesterday I decided that I need the lip tattoo that I have been lusting after for months now. There were two possible options before: 8032 or an infinity symbol. I ended up in kind of a weird place with regards to both ideas. 8032 placed restrictions on what I wanted to achieve...where the infinity symbol was just cliche as fuck. I am not a very typical girl in the least. Therefore, I was having a hard time permanently placing symbols on my body that I thought were lame. Rather than reminding myself of what I want, I decided that it is equally important to know what I have. Destitute is the word I chose to describe my life right now.
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at Ryan's house laughing and crying simultaneously about my situation. Then I simply concluded that I am neck-deep in one of the lowest lows I will ever face in my entire life. I have exactly enough money to survive for one more month (or 26 more days to be precise). I am starting the process of finding someone to move into my room at the ole' apartment due to my lack of monetary sustainability. Moving back to my parent's house is not an option. So, before the next month is over I will officially be homeless. Well, if you are living out of a car...you really don't need apartment shit. I have been tossing around this idea of selling all my worldly possessions for a minute. As of last night, the decision was made to simplify my life of material objects out of necessity. What this means: I am broke, homeless, unemployed and quite literally have nothing left except my health, personality and desire to succeed. I am a big-balled, bright-eyed young lady living in destitute--all for a dream.
I haven't been this low in a while, if ever. There is something strangely sexy about having nothing to lose. A couple of days ago I was beaten. Left wondering why I worked so hard...sacrificed so much...for what? I keep telling myself that I am owed nothing, but my essence demands something more. Countless thoughts run through my head about all the "what ifs.." I just need to let go and accept. Its harder said than done. I have gotten much better understanding my situation and taking active responsibility to change it. Two days ago I was walking the line between life and death. When your living and feel dead regardless...does it really matter?
My Progress:
Before I was depressed as shit. I wanted to die because I could feel. Now, I just feel like someone threw me down on the ground from behind and started kicking my figurative balls as hard and fast as they possibly could. Though, I lucked out because on the way down to the cement...I hit my skull, experienced serious nerve damage and can't feel anything. I am just watching in both awe and disgust. Not sure which is worse...but at least I am smiling again!
Regardless, I am still optimistic and hopeful. My will is being tested. I will make it out of this alive (I hope). Pouchesacs are going again in full-force. I have a family who loves me. A few good friends who care. A beau who is simply amazing. A brain in my head, shoes on my feet. I am learning the difference between a "want" and a "need." It is at your lowest lows where you figure out the most about yourself and the people around you. I am learning to not see my destitute as a negative. Rather as one of life's learning curves.
After all, I always hear that the wisdom that comes with old age is simply the understanding that life's highs aren't really that high, and life's lows really aren't that low. It is learning how to keep your perception of reality somewhere in the middle.
Which also brings me to the question of right and wrong. I think that my greatest friction is coming from this perception of the American Ideal. I have no desire to live the American Dream. I have no desire to become another number in the system, live paycheck to paycheck, be $10,000 in credit card debt, drive a SUV, have 2.5 kids, live in a nice white neighborhood...settle. I know I want more than what that lifestyle can offer me. It is absurd to be put down, doubted, criticized for wanting to make something more of yourself. There is no wrong way to live life. I understand that what I want isn't for everyone...but, what they want isn't for me. Mutual respect for different dreams is all I ask. I have risked everything to live the life of my dreams. If all things go to hell even worse than they have...at least I can say I tried. That is the American Dream in my opinion.
Well, at least that is the bullshit that I have been feeding myself as of lately. Its not that I am notably depressed...I am just confused. My one wish would be to figure out what has gotten me into this mad funk that I am in. Graduating school, being $50,000 in debt, unemployed, having bangs, not working out, lack of reading and meditation, little to no exertion regarding my social life. Slothing it.
My life used to be this wonderful, thriving menagerie. I was at the top of the world. I was kicking the shit out of school, working hard, playing hard, working out, constantly learning new things, meeting new people...living the dream. Though, I did lack time to myself...It was a sacrifice well worth making. I am not sure where or how I lost it. I am pretty sure that the constant stress of being broker than I ever imagine has just spawned a constant flow of negative, depressing emotions.
With the goal of getting my life back on track. Just yesterday I decided that I need the lip tattoo that I have been lusting after for months now. There were two possible options before: 8032 or an infinity symbol. I ended up in kind of a weird place with regards to both ideas. 8032 placed restrictions on what I wanted to achieve...where the infinity symbol was just cliche as fuck. I am not a very typical girl in the least. Therefore, I was having a hard time permanently placing symbols on my body that I thought were lame. Rather than reminding myself of what I want, I decided that it is equally important to know what I have. Destitute is the word I chose to describe my life right now.
Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at Ryan's house laughing and crying simultaneously about my situation. Then I simply concluded that I am neck-deep in one of the lowest lows I will ever face in my entire life. I have exactly enough money to survive for one more month (or 26 more days to be precise). I am starting the process of finding someone to move into my room at the ole' apartment due to my lack of monetary sustainability. Moving back to my parent's house is not an option. So, before the next month is over I will officially be homeless. Well, if you are living out of a car...you really don't need apartment shit. I have been tossing around this idea of selling all my worldly possessions for a minute. As of last night, the decision was made to simplify my life of material objects out of necessity. What this means: I am broke, homeless, unemployed and quite literally have nothing left except my health, personality and desire to succeed. I am a big-balled, bright-eyed young lady living in destitute--all for a dream.
I haven't been this low in a while, if ever. There is something strangely sexy about having nothing to lose. A couple of days ago I was beaten. Left wondering why I worked so hard...sacrificed so much...for what? I keep telling myself that I am owed nothing, but my essence demands something more. Countless thoughts run through my head about all the "what ifs.." I just need to let go and accept. Its harder said than done. I have gotten much better understanding my situation and taking active responsibility to change it. Two days ago I was walking the line between life and death. When your living and feel dead regardless...does it really matter?
My Progress:
Before I was depressed as shit. I wanted to die because I could feel. Now, I just feel like someone threw me down on the ground from behind and started kicking my figurative balls as hard and fast as they possibly could. Though, I lucked out because on the way down to the cement...I hit my skull, experienced serious nerve damage and can't feel anything. I am just watching in both awe and disgust. Not sure which is worse...but at least I am smiling again!
Regardless, I am still optimistic and hopeful. My will is being tested. I will make it out of this alive (I hope). Pouchesacs are going again in full-force. I have a family who loves me. A few good friends who care. A beau who is simply amazing. A brain in my head, shoes on my feet. I am learning the difference between a "want" and a "need." It is at your lowest lows where you figure out the most about yourself and the people around you. I am learning to not see my destitute as a negative. Rather as one of life's learning curves.
After all, I always hear that the wisdom that comes with old age is simply the understanding that life's highs aren't really that high, and life's lows really aren't that low. It is learning how to keep your perception of reality somewhere in the middle.
Which also brings me to the question of right and wrong. I think that my greatest friction is coming from this perception of the American Ideal. I have no desire to live the American Dream. I have no desire to become another number in the system, live paycheck to paycheck, be $10,000 in credit card debt, drive a SUV, have 2.5 kids, live in a nice white neighborhood...settle. I know I want more than what that lifestyle can offer me. It is absurd to be put down, doubted, criticized for wanting to make something more of yourself. There is no wrong way to live life. I understand that what I want isn't for everyone...but, what they want isn't for me. Mutual respect for different dreams is all I ask. I have risked everything to live the life of my dreams. If all things go to hell even worse than they have...at least I can say I tried. That is the American Dream in my opinion.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)