BRINGING BACK THE SAC!

After a year on hold...Going to rock out Pouchesac. Its a fully completed project. All we need is a prototype.

Best part:
1. Being able to say a fannie pack made you your first million
2. I have always aspired to be huge in Japan.

What a weird week. Feels like I have been in some sort of a microcosum since leaving for Atlanta a few weeks ago. I conceit to the fact that I have no fucking clue what's going on or what life holds. Its so exciting, the good and the bad. For some reason, I am in this crazy mental state where I refuse to allow negative energy into my reality. I am perceiving all situations as being a positive. The power of human thought is amazing. Being in control of your thoughts and your body (hence my obsession with fitness/nutrition) is the only thing you have control of. Its really interesting, once you are in contorl of what you think, you can also develop the power to manifest anything that you wish. Its a phenominal feeling to be on top of my shit in this snowflake of perfectly organized chaos.

I want to stay suspended in the moment. All is well, nothing too heavy.

My brother gets a kidney transplant this week, am stoked for him. I am also very happy for my brother who is donating a kidney. Hope this gives him some purpose. Overall, a very postitive experience for all. :) Although, I am really quite stressed because ALL MY FAMILY will be in town...Think that this is going to be good. Really have to stop freaking out and thinking its going to be a negative that my parents are in town. As I have learned, I cannot predict the future. Maybe something really great is going to come out of them being here...Afterall, my life is the shit because I choose it to be that way.

Things with my neighbor are going much better than anticipated. He is a great person, regardless of all the initial struggle. Whatever happens, I am learning a lot about myself through this experience and hopefully he is as well. I'm happy, having him in my life makes me smile. Whatever comes of it will come. For now, the moment is rather joyus and beautiful.

The past week I have had a renessance of creativity and the thirst to learn. I want to lock myself away and just absorb. Have some kate time, write, read and discuss. Hollywood is fun and all...I've had an experience that I would not change for the world. Though, I am ready to apply myself. The difference between this time and the last is that I have learned how to enjoy myself. I want to continue to be happy, and keep on keeping on. Was driving in my car the other day spacing out and realized that I have lived more life in 23 years than most people in their 60's. It was this weird feeling like...Now what? Finally reached this stage of self-actualization. I have all my needs met--So, I can finally offer myself up to others. FINALLY. It has been a long, endearing road to get to the point I have just reached. Focus and hard work paying off...Now, to stay suspended...

For the first time after coming home from Denver...LA feels like home. Never thought I would say that...I'm happy. It took a long time to acclaimate and create a network from scratch. Things are starting to feel like they are falling in place. Blind faith forged the road I am on, and I couldn't be happier. Giving up control and just letting life happen is the best decision I've ever made.

Oh, just registered for a 10 day meditation over Christmas. I'm on a long waiting list but, have faith that it will work out... 10 days in silent meditation sounds like the best way to spend the holidays given my passionate hatred for them. Will keep you posted if it happens or not...

Think this would be the perfect ending to my trip: http://www.mile-hi-skydiving.com/first_time.php

A Denver Chronicle

In Denver and it is driving me fucking nuts, man. I do not even know how to describe it. Though, since I have ample time and no internet connection I can get as in detail as possible. There is nothing else to do. I have a couple of books to read, which I should do. But, its not even comfortable. There is no furniture and I have been sleeping on an air mattress that gives me a massive backache. Driving me fucking nuts, man.

There is only so much texting you can do, so many emails you can send and so many facebook and twitter updates that you can write without coming across creepy.

My mind has been in a really bad space because I am going through some relationship issues. I’m enthralled with a madman. I really don’t understand why I can’t just get over him. Let it go. There is some weird, strong connection. Had a two hour conversation with a random man at Starbucks today. By the way, if you are ever in Littleton, Colorado…The only place to meet people is at the Starbucks off of Wadsworth drive. Haha…

Anyway, yeah…its fucking distracting. The fact that I am letting it distract me is more frustrating than anything else. I went to these really gorgeous hot springs last night somewhere outside of Denver. Went to a outside mineral bath next to this beautiful cliff. There were snow-covered ferns and a light layer of icy snow covering the ledges of the rock. It was amazing. The backdrop was a sky FULL of stars. Even was lucky enough to see a shooting star. I was in hyper-focus mode. An experience like that is meant to be shared with another person. It was one of the most beautiful, lonely experiences that I have ever been through. I don’t know how else to describe it. My heart started to hurt because I longed to have someone in my arms at that moment. Basking in that pristine moment together. Guess I have the rest of my life to experience that. Nonetheless, it was still torturous not having my other half with me. Whomever he is….

Referencing the conversation that I had at a Starbucks earlier—This man made a big impact on me. I talked about my relationship with the madman—and he talked about his ex-wife and daughter. It was beautiful—Like we were best friends, in the moment. Hopefully, I made an impact in his life, know he changed mine. Its strange, whatever you NEED the universe will provide. We both were searching—and found what we were looking for—A genuine human interaction.

I have no clue what is going to happen when I get back to LA, really. My life is totally up in the air, which is beautiful…I am feeling this strange nervousness/excitement. Anything can go in multiple directions be it romantically, job-wise, life in general. I know it will be for the better, whatever it is. I am really hoping to get out of Denver tomorrow. If I am stuck here until Sunday…Will it be the end of the world? No. But, I would really love to be home for the weekend. Its been almost 2 weeks since I have seen the madman, or any of my other suitors. Also, I miss creature comforts…Like the ability to hike, go to my gym, do the things that I want to do.

Remo called me when Louie first left CO earlier this week with some advice. Remo’s advice was that I will have no idea why I ended up here until I get back to LA. That’s fine. I am just highly impatient and miss everything and everyone…It took a long time to start missing life as I know it, but I really do. I miss California. In this town everyone is nice…There just isn’t much to do. Plus, I feel like I am starting to get sick from the brutal weather. A lot of repressed childhood memories have been coming up in the past week or so, not sure what the deal is with that. I think it’s the fact that my parents are back to acting like children. Between that and the cold weather, I’m a fucking reminiscent mess. Earlier today I told all this to the dude working behind the counter at a party goods store. He must have thought I was nuts after professing, “I went to therapy for years to get over all this shit that’s coming back.” What a mess!

Beyond that, I am feeling kind of fat from not having the ability to work out. I do, but I miss MY GYM. I miss MY CAR. I miss MY SPACE, not the social networking site…but, my little part of Earth.

Think this trip was great in giving me some perspective as to what “normal” people are like. I was reminded that I don’t want to be normal. I want to be extrodinary. I am great, I don’t need to deal with this bullshit. Ah yes, back to the man from Starbucks. I realized that people need me. The world needs me. So, I can’t be caught up in he-who-must-not-be-named’s bullshit…Although, my heart and emotions are tied up in him…My life can’t be. Well, it can be, but not in a dramatic way…as more of a support system. Afterall, I love love and hate hate.

Wrote a little something to him…An abbreviated version from the Moleskin original…

Hi!

Was thinking about not thinking. Have learned this whole concept of being in the moment—Its beautiful. Sometimes I want to pause time and just stay suspended within a few milliseconds—Those few times in life where you feel truly alive.

A time when you are not thinking about anything other than how a single bead of sweat feels as it slowly crawls down your cheek. Or, when a cool wind blows and you feel each individual hair stand up on the back of your neck. Totally consumed in an individual moment or experience to the point where you feel as if nothing else exists. You become so deeply connected to yourself, any other aspect of the physical holds no bearing.

This connection to self—Living in a moment is what brings me the greatest amount of joy in life. God knows it took me years and years, and years to get to here. But, as is everything…It’s temporary. This is why I like this idea of staying suspended in time. These moments are the most meaningful, I want to live my life totally consumed in them. I want everything to truly make sense, and it does. You just let time pass without analyzing, assessing, figuring it out. You just accept what comes and do what makes you happy. Dealing with every issue at hand, rather than fantasy and idealized constructs. Just being happy to be alive to learn and experience life as it comes your way. Absolutely gorgeous.

Occasionally, I find myself gazing into your eyes and encountering one of these moments. No expectations, no chatter just fully experiencing the moment for what it is—Pure beauty, life at its fullest.

Other times, I cannot get these fleeting moments out of my mind. Or I create constructs around the idealism of what could be rooted in these “real” abbreviations in life. I don’t know if they are good or bad, real or fake…because I don’t believe in good or bad or reality for that matter.

I just know I enjoy this a lot, and you are a facilitator. In the moment, its as perfect as it can be…

I feel so tired that I want to puke.