I have nobody to play with.

Was super stoked when I woke up this morning, rightfully so. Today is my day off. :D I am kind of bored though. Starved for human interaction. Feeling like I need to be getting tipsy by a pool. Its really no fun being alone, sober and in a playful mood. I already finished everything on my list of things to do....Now I am lost. Its hot out. There is a shitload of traffic. I don't really feel like participating in consumerism. What is a girl to-do? I would usually beckon one of my hoes to hang out with. But, since I got rid of them all...I'm lost. Really. How fucked up am I?

Negligance

I really have to figure out how to mobilly upload pictures to this bitch. Really, the process of emailing, downloading, uploading is way too time consuming and exhaustive. I have some pictures to share as visuals for stories...bummer.

Got an interesting call from Kaptain this evening. He claims to have somehow become partners in the Jackson estate through some old court proceeding. "All I need is 10 million dollars." ...As do I. :D Meeting with him in the morning to go over the legallity of this MJ scenario. Kaptain told me that he trusts me and wants my help with running the MJ empire...Including all Michael's masters, wardrobe, etc. Worth checking out...But, what an unlikely path to head down? We'll see if it's legit. If I got to wear the original Thriller jacket, I'd be stoked. Anything beyond that may just blow my mind.

Yesterday I got called fat by a creepster. What is a creepster? Well, because I know you were thinking that anyway...A creepster is a creepy dude. What qualifies one as a creepster? To answer your question, a multitude of things. The particulars of this dude, whom I would consider to be a creepster, go as follows: Kept touching, feeling, groping, kissing and stroking me; bought me a toothbrush to keep at his place after a week of seeing him; would freak out on me for being un-affectionate; would get mad because I didn't want to sleep with him. Just a weirdo. Anyway, as a brutal (and successful) attack on my ego...He claims that I have "gained some weight" since we initially met. This is not only inaccurate, its fucked up that someone would actually personally attack me due to my weight. Its even worse, because I actually took his shit perspective into consideration and actually let it effect me. How dumb on my own accord.

Moving in with Anna and Maya shortly. Stoked. Getting a class set up for mom's mind and body. Think its a great step in the direction towards becoming a speaker. Registered for Spanish class. Prepping for the GRE's. Learning more about grad school in Spain. Took a keen liking to my "Internet boyfriend." Toastmasters starts this week. Been keeping up with writing and checking shit off my lists. Relationships with family members are solid. Might start working full-time at the charity I volunteer at, Project Angel Food. I am feeling like somewhat of an adult lately...Guess all this happened when I wasn't paying attention? Oh, ADHD.

Also, sometimes when I know that people read this (ex-boyfriends, boyfriends) it freaks me out. Almost like I should censor content. Upon further inspection, that is the worst idea ever...rather self-defeating. Sure they will get sick of slovenly sifting through the meandering conscious thought process that is this blog. Blog...what a shitty word.

Oh, and I had the most amazing idea today while watching television with my brother--He's like being around an old person. Or I guess that's what people do, right? They watch television? Regardless, the idea I had was to become a professional game-shower. Think I am going to start this conquest with "The Price is Right." All I have to say is, "$1."

And I digress. Tis time for sleep. Every time I sleep over at my brother's apartment I have some funky dreams. Not all are bad, but I've had some brutal nights here. Hoping to have a pretty rad lucid dream. Would love to fly, have sex, or do something that hasn't even been invented yet...like time travel or fully understanding hieroglyphics. Do you know that we are still working to understand hieroglyphics...crazy, right?

Anyway, I love you all...wishing you the world...sweet dreams.

Because I have to write this--I will.

Today was fantastic...Worked moderately hard at Project Angel Food doing some data processing. Streamlined their system with a rather ingenious detection method. Made me think about how much fun I have figuring out puzzles. This led to some major perspective on my primary motivators. I enjoy figuring things out and learning solutions or additional information about most anything. So long as I see a benefit from the time allocated to consuming information, I enjoy learning. Its wanting to do a rather undesirable or daunting task that motivates you to be passionate and successful. From what I gathered earlier today, its possible to just lie to yourself in saying that you want to learn a particular concept. Therefore, the undertaking of that task becomes easy and I would go as far to say, at times, fulfilling. Tricking yourself into positively responding after re-framing a situation is a pandora's box for me. There is so much uncharted potential regarding self-hypnosis and human potential, the sheer thought makes me anxious because of the sheer possibility of possibilities.

Hope you enjoyed that little nugget of random thought for the evening. I am off to endulge in some lucid dreams. Looking to meet up with a particular Irishman, maybe a unicorn and most definitely my best friends from times past. See you in my dreams. XO

A feeble attempt to keep content fresh, indeed.

This weekend has proven to be much more eventful than initially anticipated. Sometimes there are those days where nothing seems to be of great significance. Gently coasting through the rough patches and doldrums of everyday existence. Though, upon occasion, you will have days that stand out in accomplishment, hardship or otherwise. The past two days or so have possessed a distinct quality of luster--Even if both events may end up being a sparkle-and-fade.

In all honesty, I am not sure where to even begin. A wise man once said the easiest way to start is to start. Here goes....

Bruce:
An interesting Korean man. He is Remo's "Director/Screenwriter." Remo and him produced a feature film together. Both gentlemen did a rather "interesting" job, to say the least. Also, they just became investment partners on a property in Burbank. Bruce used to live in Los Angeles. Though, could not get his green card so, was forced to move back to Korea. He is a character in the truest sense. Scurries around, highly impatient, the architype of what you'd imagine an Asian to be like. Very thin, wears bright colors and as a work-machine. He loves being victorious whether it be in climbing mountains or math problems. Bruce is brutal, a shit-talking machine. Remo put Bruce on the duty to write a screen-play about the "love" story about my sister and I. This morning marked the completion of the screenplay. I think that it is hilarious that a film is being produced with me as a central character. Absolutely ridiclious. Just hope I get to cast the lucky lady. By the way, Bruce just walked into the room muttering, "Stupid fucking shit." under his breath. Not an uncommon phrase for old Brucie...and really embodies his general sentiment towards life in general--Love it.

Kaptain:
Kaptain Kirk Kirkland III http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbiJ4jFt4tM
What a character...At a loss for words to describe him. Though, got a funny phone call from Mr. Kirkland earlier about his, "Communicating with Michael Jackson." Apparently everyone is on this "Ghost of MJ" binge. I think its hilarious. That news in itself made me laugh SO HARD. Don't think I was supposed to say anything about it...because, I think its going to be part of his reality TV show. Trying to position myself as his life coach on the show--Plus, I will probably get to FINALLY meet Nelson Mandela through this opportunity. Life works in mysterious ways.

Between these two accounts in themselves, I think its compeletely hilarious. This week starts my new binge of getting shit done. Woke up at 7am to hike runyon canyon this morning. Was FAB. totally kicked my ass...Taking a few weeks off really does make a significant difference at least initially. Not really stoked for the process of slowly increasing cardiovascular endurance (what a painful endeavour) though, its well worth it.

Also, finally got my lazy-ass to start studying for the GRE. STOKED. Learning vocab now...Its actually really quite entertaining. Forgot how much I love to study...As awkward as that sounds, its the truth. Learning is beautiful. This year I have learned a lot from experiencing life. Really looking forward to learning from books and in classroom settings instead. Its a lot less painful and endearing that way.

Everything, in some paradoxial, warped, strange continium seems to be coming together in the most random, weird ways. Guess that's life.

Human Objects.

As promised...I am forcing myself to sit down and write this as a result of this motivation binge I am on currently. Its like the past few weeks have been the calm before the storm. I have just been waiting, and wanting for all hell to break loose (in the best way possible).

Today I had this rather impactful dialogue with my best friend. We were somewhere else for a good 3 hours. Connecting to the spiritual through the physical. Lifting weights seems to be one of those tranquil processes for both of us. Perhaps its the release of endorphins...or maybe just the concentration on the singularity of hard work. Whatever it may be, it works. All of my best ideas and greatest conversations happen during rigorous physical activity. Today was no different.

Andy, my best friend, brought up some very profound points. My reality expanded. Progress. Sometimes when I am in the doldrums of normalises its easy to get deterred from what really matters to self. Only when you are being, just being, will the universe, or God, or whatever you would like to call it brings along exactly what you need. It is only when you relinquish control and learn how to choose your own reality will things manifest into fruition. I also learned today that the movement isn't something that can be taught or learned. You feel it, and undeniably accept...or you don't. You must go through the gauntlet from hell to get to the other side. Everyone goes through it, just depends when.

Andy and I also spoke briefly on the subject of connection--human connection. How individuals starving for attention utilize social networking sites and twitter to find that fiber of connection. At the end of the day, most of us spend a lot of our free time behind a computer or cell phone and not in the physical. We are searching through people's facebook's and reading up about them on twitter rather than seeing, touching, smelling and even tasting each other. We are all starved for 3D contact. We are all hungry for something real and tangible. We put our lives online in hopes that people will be interested enough to talk to us, to communicate freely, to connect on some level. Hell, people are even shamelessly promoting when they brush their teeth...or are stuck in traffic. They want someone there to listen, to care, to understand and support them in whatever capacity available.

Anyway, enough of a tirade. Just some lofty concepts to think about. You do think, don't you...?

Elapsed.

This is a view from my bedroom. I am looking to get rid of my room in this place before 9/1. Hopefully stack some cash and move-on to the EU or NYC.

I have this overwhelming feeling that a big change is on hand. Spent a few days in Chicago and a few days in NYC. Saw tons of awesome people, it was really gratifying.

Learned that strategic planning can be more effective than once anticipated. Currently, I am looking into teaching English in Spain. Really looking forward to moving forward with Charlie's clothing line. Cannot wait to have our line in stores and on celebrities. I have a strong gut feeling that this will work out. Its about fucking time. :/ Though, in order to get our company off the ground it seems I am going to have to relocate. Think I'm officially over LA.

Taking my GRE's in October. Trying to find a more normal job for some consistent income OR travel extensively in the meantime. Realized the value of education...Though, it is a major burden taking on such debt. Finishing up the ass book. 2009 will end more triumphantly than my wildest expectations could predict.

V

I am slowly feeling revived as the pill dissolved into my blood stream. Here we go again. Earlier, it felt as if my heart was palpitating, enraged. I found myself drifting off into my own reflection. Staring, wandering aimlessly into the details of myself. Getting lost in the imperfections, the edges and boundaries of what are, what was and what will be--blurred. I was living in the moment. Air filled my lungs, and was released with a sigh of relief. This day was finally dead. Though there was this looming thick quality to the air that reminded me of that sticky, fermented taste of last night’s booze. As if there was still something that needed to dissipate with time. Whatever it was needed to be absorbed into something else.

And so the journey begins. I finally sat down to my computer with the intent to write a chapter, and hell I finally did. This is one of the most important lessons that I have ever learned. It is that you cannot get anything done without doing. There is always this playful characteristic in your head. You have the fear of not being able to create the masterpiece that you want. You are scared of your own shadow. You are afraid of the possibility of possibilities rather than just try and fail. What slips our minds is that you can try and win. You can be the person who finishes something on the first lofty attempt. You can be the outlier with the audacity to actually execute. There are all these lofty concepts that are constantly floating around in the depths of my skull. It seems that you have to allow yourself to get a little crazy. Take some risks, and be hell-bent on success. Have that laser focus of getting precisely what you want.

Recently, I have been telling people that I get whatever I want. In all honesty, anything that I have ever wanted…I found a way come hell or high water to get it. I really don’t care what bad stigmas or guilt that you carry walking into reading that statement. It is the truth, and that is how it should be. You should find a way to get what you want—Obviously exercising some moral obligations. You should get what you want--Choose to, you will.

I lost my mind a couple of years ago. Graduated college early at the top of my class. I wanted it, so I went out there and got it. There was a point where I wanted things but, couldn’t get them because I didn’t want them bad enough. I just went through the motions and made decisions based on what I “should” do rather than doing what my heart told me was right. Honestly, my life was in shambles at this point. I had absolutely no stability from the inside out…nor, the outside in. I lost it. Completely lost it.

So, as any crazy person does…You must spiral down your own abyss until you are good and ready to stop. The constant insanity becomes comforting. You grow attached to the absurdity. You like the pain. You enjoy the discomfort and loneliness because it becomes all you know. I have lived the past two years of my life like a vagrant. Moving from place to place…With brief episodes of living out of my car for up to months at a time. Matter of fact, while writing this I never had an idea of just how crazy I was. 16 apartments in 2 years, accented with periods of homelessness. I was so broke I could not eat some days. I couldn’t pay rent. Was behind in my bills. So out of character. For some reason I became obsessed with the need for struggle, I choose it. I felt like I had to have this constant battle for my story's purpose. In order for my own greatness to be a satiating tale for the reader through my own self-sacrifice. I was fucked up in the head. I had it set in my mind that I had to have nothing to appreciate everything. I learned to find the beauty in detail. I would spend hours a day hiking through the Hollywood Hills. It was gorgeous seeing Los Angeles with such perspective. Having “the view” that people pay millions of dollars for, watching all the ants marching below. Life took care of me, and for that I am lucky. I know if I made it through hell, I could make it through anything. Another funny thing is that I redefine “hell” quite often. It seems, as the quality of my life gets increasingly better, I think of hell with new perspective.