David Paul Larson is a wonderful photographer and friend. The photo shoot went beautifully. He is simply amazing. Very professional, supportive and encouraging. I highly recommend him to everyone.
I'll post pictures of last night's shoot soon.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
And I Digress...
Done with school. I had some high expectations...of what I don't know. The Chinese always joke about Americans...They say we are always shooting...but never aim. If the shoe fits.
Today was my last day of training at Fado, the Irish pub that I work at as a cocktail waitress. The money is good. The people are friendly. I suppose it isn't too bad of a place to work at.
I start working at Hooters again tomorrow. FUCK. I never imagined myself slipping on the orange shorts again. It is quite strange. My parents both encourage my re-employment venture. I find this to be a strange twist. Its 223 AM on a Tuesday. I have work in exactly 8 hours...not including sleep time, buying shoes and prep.
I believe that today is truly a new turning point in my life. Later on this evening I am getting photos taken for my modeling portfolio. I think that its official: I am selling out into my looks. I think that my physical appearance is just the karma for my mom being so terror able when I was younger. Although, when I was a young pup my momma and I had some beef...I did earn her genetics. I am lucky that I am alive today after the shit I've gone through. Interesting how things work out. So, I feel it is my purpose to use the tools I have earned. It has been made very clear to me that my brain is not nearly as valuable as my outside appearance. Sad...but true. Therefore, I just have to roll with it. And tomorrow kicks this new ideological thought process off. I want to ride this wave and see where it takes me. Afterall, there is no wrong way to live life. The world is my oyster...and this bitch is hungry.
Sleep Deprivation. Physical Exhaustion. I Collapse.
Today was my last day of training at Fado, the Irish pub that I work at as a cocktail waitress. The money is good. The people are friendly. I suppose it isn't too bad of a place to work at.
I start working at Hooters again tomorrow. FUCK. I never imagined myself slipping on the orange shorts again. It is quite strange. My parents both encourage my re-employment venture. I find this to be a strange twist. Its 223 AM on a Tuesday. I have work in exactly 8 hours...not including sleep time, buying shoes and prep.
I believe that today is truly a new turning point in my life. Later on this evening I am getting photos taken for my modeling portfolio. I think that its official: I am selling out into my looks. I think that my physical appearance is just the karma for my mom being so terror able when I was younger. Although, when I was a young pup my momma and I had some beef...I did earn her genetics. I am lucky that I am alive today after the shit I've gone through. Interesting how things work out. So, I feel it is my purpose to use the tools I have earned. It has been made very clear to me that my brain is not nearly as valuable as my outside appearance. Sad...but true. Therefore, I just have to roll with it. And tomorrow kicks this new ideological thought process off. I want to ride this wave and see where it takes me. Afterall, there is no wrong way to live life. The world is my oyster...and this bitch is hungry.
Sleep Deprivation. Physical Exhaustion. I Collapse.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
A Month Long Since Past...
The overwhelming feeling of emptiness is one that I know better than myself at times. It is all consuming. Not that the feeling is dependent on one person or thing...A multitude of variables go into my positive energy's demise.
80/20; 95/5; 99/1
The natural law of numbers--Equilibrium.
Effort exhorted into something that is causing more harm than good is completely unnecessary. There is no reason one should be so enthralled in such hasty acts of poor judgment. As a curious human being--we refuse to follow our innate sense of life direction sometimes. Though, if we act upon our natural reactions...life would seemingly be a lot simpler.
90 percent of the time we know the right answers within the first few seconds of seeing or experiencing something. Though, rational thought kicks in and essentially prolongs the process whose end result we have known from the start. Funny...isn't it?
Looking back on my life's biggest mistakes (or learning experiences as I prefer to call them) the scenario played out exactly how I felt it would. Whether it takes a couple days...or a couple of years how it ends is (most of the time) exactly as I predicted.**
As I sit here facing the inevitable..the only person I have to blame is myself. Having known the right answer all along and not have acted is a crime to oneself and the other parties affected (directly and indirectly).
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Any experience that provides a memory is one worth having (so I am told).
Life confuses the fuck out of me. Maybe I need to shut the brain off and turn the mind on.
**Indigogen
80/20; 95/5; 99/1
The natural law of numbers--Equilibrium.
Effort exhorted into something that is causing more harm than good is completely unnecessary. There is no reason one should be so enthralled in such hasty acts of poor judgment. As a curious human being--we refuse to follow our innate sense of life direction sometimes. Though, if we act upon our natural reactions...life would seemingly be a lot simpler.
90 percent of the time we know the right answers within the first few seconds of seeing or experiencing something. Though, rational thought kicks in and essentially prolongs the process whose end result we have known from the start. Funny...isn't it?
Looking back on my life's biggest mistakes (or learning experiences as I prefer to call them) the scenario played out exactly how I felt it would. Whether it takes a couple days...or a couple of years how it ends is (most of the time) exactly as I predicted.**
As I sit here facing the inevitable..the only person I have to blame is myself. Having known the right answer all along and not have acted is a crime to oneself and the other parties affected (directly and indirectly).
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Any experience that provides a memory is one worth having (so I am told).
Life confuses the fuck out of me. Maybe I need to shut the brain off and turn the mind on.
**Indigogen
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Hunt
I am looking for a job.
The Fear.
The Terror.
The Despair.
Broke A$ Fuck is what we are.
Yesterday we recorded a bunch of shit in HD for me to send out to potential employers. I hope someone likes what I have to offer. It is really scary putting yourself out there. Standing in the face of fear, not making the rent, defeat.
I used to have the world by the balls...and now I have a lot of potential still...but this stagnation is taking away from it. Once you have a taste of what power feels like...and then lose it...the world gets turned upside down. That is the primary causation of my breakdown. The fact that I went from someone to nobody literally overnight. BOGUS.
But taking that shit in strides is part of it. I am going to get a job that isn't totally enthralling...but is something. I want to go back to school...but need to return to zero first. I decided to just go with the flow. Accept my situation and rock out with my figurative cock out. That is all you can do at times like this.
The Fear.
The Terror.
The Despair.
Broke A$ Fuck is what we are.
Yesterday we recorded a bunch of shit in HD for me to send out to potential employers. I hope someone likes what I have to offer. It is really scary putting yourself out there. Standing in the face of fear, not making the rent, defeat.
I used to have the world by the balls...and now I have a lot of potential still...but this stagnation is taking away from it. Once you have a taste of what power feels like...and then lose it...the world gets turned upside down. That is the primary causation of my breakdown. The fact that I went from someone to nobody literally overnight. BOGUS.
But taking that shit in strides is part of it. I am going to get a job that isn't totally enthralling...but is something. I want to go back to school...but need to return to zero first. I decided to just go with the flow. Accept my situation and rock out with my figurative cock out. That is all you can do at times like this.
After the breakdown
Well, Last week I was a hot mess to say the least. I think I took about 2 weeks off of life in order to regroup and figure out what the fuck is going on. Well, I am still not too sure as to what is going on...but at least I am feeling mildly better about myself.
It was very strange..all things from my past suddenly came to a close. I freaked out on my parents...not at them..but on them. Had a total breakdown. Woke up after my usual 17 hours of sleep that the depression I was in caused.
I learned that working out deeply affects my psyche...for sure. I need those endorphins. I keep getting chronic headaches and it kind of blows. When it rains it pours. Feast and famine. Etc.
I miss all of my friends..but I have recently realized who is really important to me...and who is just frontin'. It is really important to come to terms with this.
Moving forward is just as important as remembering the past.
As a side note: Ryan is absolutely amazing. He has helped me so much with everything...and I cannot say thank you enough for his kindness. He is truly a beautiful person...and I cannot wait to see where life takes us.
I mean...if someone could love that...they have to be the kindest soul ever.
It was very strange..all things from my past suddenly came to a close. I freaked out on my parents...not at them..but on them. Had a total breakdown. Woke up after my usual 17 hours of sleep that the depression I was in caused.
I learned that working out deeply affects my psyche...for sure. I need those endorphins. I keep getting chronic headaches and it kind of blows. When it rains it pours. Feast and famine. Etc.
I miss all of my friends..but I have recently realized who is really important to me...and who is just frontin'. It is really important to come to terms with this.
Moving forward is just as important as remembering the past.
As a side note: Ryan is absolutely amazing. He has helped me so much with everything...and I cannot say thank you enough for his kindness. He is truly a beautiful person...and I cannot wait to see where life takes us.
I mean...if someone could love that...they have to be the kindest soul ever.
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