Karma

So, I just got a call from my dad that he picked up my mom at the airport...now she is in the hospital. It never ends.

And it all came crashing down.

I don't remember the last time that I was really up. I guess my reality is simply my perception anyways. So, I should say that I don't remember the last time I perceived myself to be up. What I mean by, "up" is on top...success in its own right. My main objective in life is to wake up with a smile. If I am not waking up with a big smile on my face...then its time to change course. Granted, there will be times when you aren't going to be happy (conditional). An event out of your control can happen at pretty much any time.

The existentialist perspective that I use as my guide through life is that we are all on our very own ships in the middle of the sea. A person can be completely unprepared for an event (laying on the poop deck, getting a tan), Have their hand on the steering wheel with rain gear on or really any perceivable combination in between. Trade winds can blow the individual at any time. Its luck (preparation/opportunity) that will blow you triumphantly in the direction of your dreams or chance that will blow you directly off course. Hell, you can be at a total stand-still and just waiting for that damn gust in whatever direction it may blow you...just because it is a direction. Storms are inevitable at sea...and you never know when your ship may wreck...or when you will be found on a desert isle and greeted with the person of your dreams or your greatest demon.

I have no fucking idea where I am right now. Not really sure where is up, down, left, right or even diagonal. I am totally blind and deaf. All that is left is my sense of feeling. Fuck, I don't even know if I can feel anymore. My energy has been drained because everyone has been taking parts of me. I find myself unhappy and dissatisfied. I am tired of making other people happy. I am tired of waking up stressed out, unfilled and unhappy. My universe is not in balance. I just keep giving with nothing in return. I feel like I have given myself in its entirety. I feel empty, hollow and dead. All the life has been drained out of me and all I am left with is a shell.

I can't be here much longer...its time to just disappear. I need to get the fuck out. To where...I have no idea. Just go...and keep going until everything feels right and good again. I am over feeling pressured into doing what other people think I should do. That is what is making me unhappy. I have nothing, therefore I have nothing to lose.

I want to travel, write and speak. I do not want to live a conventional lifestyle. I do not give a fuck about materialistic things so long as I have my iphone, laptop and a toothbrush. I am over this shit.

I have NO FUCKING IDEA how I am going to make this happen. But, I know it needs to happen. I have settled down for 3 months and it's already been too long. I don't think I belong here (LA).

For your listening pleasure while reading this section:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5IIXeR5OUI&feature=related

I love Kristen with all my heart. I am so glad she is out of the fucking nut house that is my parent's reality. I am glad my mom laughed at me during my emotional breakdown that she induced in the middle of the club at The Standard. I am glad Rick smoked 5 or 6 cigarettes and drank a cranberry vodka (kidneyless) last night. I am glad that Julian cannot express himself emotionally in any sort of way that is kind or tactful. All of these negatives made me realize a positive: Why? If I am in the captain's seat of this ship...why do I steer into these downer situations. I am going to avoid them like the Bermuda triangle. If I am around such negative energy sources: I will be negative. You are what you surround yourself with...I just want to be happy before I take too many pills or trip off a bridge.

Yesterday was my life's rock bottom, hands down. Whatever was left of the little child inside of me full of love and understanding died. I think it had something to do with accepting that you have no mother. The loss is not caused by death, disease, turmoil...but, ignorance, spite and bitterness. Before Saturday...I couldn't fathom that a creature could exist in such vein of rejecting one of her own kin. But, I now know the truth--Anything is possible...and even worse...it can happen to you. I think a part of my heart turned cold and black over the course of my life. Saturday night confirmed all my fears and helped to remove the infected areas. They turned to ice and broke off--no salvaging them now. For some reason, I am ok with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67J_66hdN-I&feature=related

My friends are the family I chose...So it really is. I can't live my life for others because it will drive me insane. I decided to give my heart to myself and follow that little guy where ever he tells me to go...no matter how irrational or illogical...he knows a helluva lot more than I do. I will not settle. I will embrace the fact that I am impulsive and rather delusional. On the plus side: The innovators always are.

So, I am here today to face the world the way I want to see it. I feel self-love again. I am centered. I am in control of my ship once again...so, everyone in my way bests watch the fuck out. Ill transformer this bitch right over you.

MINI-PINCH-A-WOWOA

JAJOURA GNOUCHE <3

KIDNEy

So, after a week (+) of fucking around... I actually am down to work.

It took a long time to get to this point of actually being able to focus...but hey, I am here again. Today was very productive and relaxing. I am impressed! Seriously. I stayed up relatively late last night (til 11:30) to write out a schedule for myself to follow. I can whole-heartedly say that I have stuck to that regiment rather religiously (aside from a few tasks...but, rest assured...those will be fit in later ; )...

Life is kinda strange. As Remo told me...all things will be taken care of so long as you remain positive...this is true. I feel like I am progressing...but, there is no monetary rewards. My identity was stolen yesterday. Bank accounts frozen. And I should be stressing...but, I am not. I don't want hand-outs. I am too proud for that shit. I am ready for shit to just fall in place. Sacrifice after sacrifice with no endgame. The times will change. I want to make $2000/week or more from now until the end of the year. I love my job. I love the direction my company is moving. I am excited to guest speak. All is well.

I have two feet, functioning organs, a decent mug, a smile and positivity on my side. There is nothing more that I can ask for...aside from some reputable success. FUCK.

I would say that my greatest challenge in LA is the fact that nobody takes my creds seriously. Even Julian didn't believe that I was decent at marketing until I had to, "break it down for him." BOGUS. But, whatever. Its to my advantage. Adversities generally turn out to be an individual's greatest advantages.

Cindy, my client is a ray of sunshine. It feels weird to say this...but she feels more like a mom than my own ever has. I know that the relationship I have with her is a totally professional one...But, she is for sure one of the only reasons I will ever wake up at such an un-Godly hour for. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful, inspiring person in my life. This is most defiantly the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

My mom is in town this week. She is a sweetheart. I have been having some major problems with not being a total bitch to my brother. He is SO NEEDY its completely out of hand. He still has some serious growing up to do. Everyone feels sympathy for him (rightfully so). But, there are people that are diagnosed with terminal diseases that are in much better spirits than hims. It is rather discouraging that he is SO NEGATIVE all the time. My parents totally accommodate him (what's new). All I hear about is whats going on with Rick...Rarely am I asked what's new with me. I hate being jealous, which I am. But, its not the most unreasonable request to have one's parents care about all children equally.

My mom being here has made me realize how fucked up I actually still am. Before, the distance between my parents and I seemed very healthy. Although, they never really made attempts to see or call me I was seemingly fine with that...because I isolated myself from the rest of my immediate family. Now that my mom is staying with me and spending quality time with both my brother and sister...though, not including yours truly in anything. Not that this is something new---It still bothers me. It sucks having a parent that doesn't love you as much as the rest of your siblings. I cannot begin to describe the feeling that it gives a person. For christ's sake...she wouldn't even sign parental permission forms for me in junior high or high school. One time after tennis, in my sophomore year...I thought I broke my arm. Totally conveyed this to my mother and she showed up 2 hours after my bus arrived back at my high school that evening. Her nor my father ever showed up for one tennis match in 4 years...and they picked me up about a total of 7 times out of (75 practices/season x 4 seasons)= 300 opportunities. Not very good odds. I guess I am still bitter? But, thats what I went to therapy for...perhaps its time I go back? Or maybe just flea the country totally anonymously.

My friends mean everything to me. More so than my family. I need to see them soon....Otherwise I may just go crazy.

Chicago is home...always. Though, I will never live there again...Its ok. The people are what makes it so awesome...and their character and spirit will never leave me.

The Night Owl.

ABSURD.

I am in love. I have tried to fight it, oh trust me. I have tried my hardest to not fall for someone...but, I am FUCT.

Admittedly, I am scared shit less of what can be another epic emotional demise. But, its bad for an individual to completely close themselves off from another person...so I won't. I really just hope that I don't get fucked in the end. That is only for time to tell, and me not to stress about at this point in the relationship. The future is totally unpredictable...so God only knows what it may hold in store for me.

I have to stop thinking and just follow my heart. So, I will. My new infatuation is a very strong man, indeed. At times I feel myself with a little bit of an inferiority complex. He is very successful given his current situation...and generally never lets me forget it. I have always, and will always try my best. At times, I feel like he doesn't realize this. We started at two completely different ends of the spectrum....and given my start point...I am doing fucking awesome. I shouldn't have to explain myself (a situation for which I feel as if I am thrust in quite frequently). I should be challenged...yet, more importantly encouraged. I face enough cynics...I need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be alright. I am a strong chick, for sure. I have the battle scars to prove it. But, being taken seriously as a woman is hard. It changes your world when you actually find a person who believes in and supports you. A person who has your back when you set out to take on the world. The progression from good friend or person you want to fuck into a partnership is an interesting, intense and natural switch. Perhaps I am just rushing things...or have very high expectations and demands. But, it is what it is, and I am who I am.

Oh the struggle.

My second peroid is over. Back on BC. Read a book about relationships called, "The Way of the Superior Man." Every guy and girl I know needs to read that bitch...if you ever want a healthy relationship! Working hard again. Writing a diet and exercise routine tonight. Life is back on schedule, with no real schedule. Its a beautiful thing.

FUCT.

So, I now officially work for myself. A phrase I have worked so hard, and so dilligently for so long to be able to mutter...now a reality. That thought itself whole-heartedly blows my fucking mind. I cannot even express in words how great this accomplishment is for me. I took the leap. And God, life could not be better.

While I was meandering around the gym (4 days+counting) left...I had this psuedo revelation: my life has become relatively normal. Now, this is something that I have never felt before. All internal struggles have been quieted. I just spaced out and was like, "whoa, i'm actually happy." I have a man that I am mad for. I have a job that I love, and is relatively profitable. I am starting an empire. Closer than ever with my family. Relatively fit. Live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, around some of the most beautiful people. I have two legs, two arms, and two eyes. A good head on my shoulders and shoes on my feet.

After being in hell for so long...everything just came together without me even seeing it coming. When I reach the point where I just stop caring and stop looking...it all just hits me. My life is exactly how I want it to be. Weird.

6 Week Goals

1. Study, Register and Take the GRE's
2. Build up clients for Training/Life Coaching
3. Start advertising for motivational speaking engagements and hold at least 1.
4. Start writing book (again).
5. Wake up happy and thankful to be alive.
6. Drop 3% bodyfat by the implementation of my own wellbeing plan.