The Night Owl.

ABSURD.

I am in love. I have tried to fight it, oh trust me. I have tried my hardest to not fall for someone...but, I am FUCT.

Admittedly, I am scared shit less of what can be another epic emotional demise. But, its bad for an individual to completely close themselves off from another person...so I won't. I really just hope that I don't get fucked in the end. That is only for time to tell, and me not to stress about at this point in the relationship. The future is totally unpredictable...so God only knows what it may hold in store for me.

I have to stop thinking and just follow my heart. So, I will. My new infatuation is a very strong man, indeed. At times I feel myself with a little bit of an inferiority complex. He is very successful given his current situation...and generally never lets me forget it. I have always, and will always try my best. At times, I feel like he doesn't realize this. We started at two completely different ends of the spectrum....and given my start point...I am doing fucking awesome. I shouldn't have to explain myself (a situation for which I feel as if I am thrust in quite frequently). I should be challenged...yet, more importantly encouraged. I face enough cynics...I need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be alright. I am a strong chick, for sure. I have the battle scars to prove it. But, being taken seriously as a woman is hard. It changes your world when you actually find a person who believes in and supports you. A person who has your back when you set out to take on the world. The progression from good friend or person you want to fuck into a partnership is an interesting, intense and natural switch. Perhaps I am just rushing things...or have very high expectations and demands. But, it is what it is, and I am who I am.

Oh the struggle.

My second peroid is over. Back on BC. Read a book about relationships called, "The Way of the Superior Man." Every guy and girl I know needs to read that bitch...if you ever want a healthy relationship! Working hard again. Writing a diet and exercise routine tonight. Life is back on schedule, with no real schedule. Its a beautiful thing.

FUCT.

So, I now officially work for myself. A phrase I have worked so hard, and so dilligently for so long to be able to mutter...now a reality. That thought itself whole-heartedly blows my fucking mind. I cannot even express in words how great this accomplishment is for me. I took the leap. And God, life could not be better.

While I was meandering around the gym (4 days+counting) left...I had this psuedo revelation: my life has become relatively normal. Now, this is something that I have never felt before. All internal struggles have been quieted. I just spaced out and was like, "whoa, i'm actually happy." I have a man that I am mad for. I have a job that I love, and is relatively profitable. I am starting an empire. Closer than ever with my family. Relatively fit. Live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, around some of the most beautiful people. I have two legs, two arms, and two eyes. A good head on my shoulders and shoes on my feet.

After being in hell for so long...everything just came together without me even seeing it coming. When I reach the point where I just stop caring and stop looking...it all just hits me. My life is exactly how I want it to be. Weird.

6 Week Goals

1. Study, Register and Take the GRE's
2. Build up clients for Training/Life Coaching
3. Start advertising for motivational speaking engagements and hold at least 1.
4. Start writing book (again).
5. Wake up happy and thankful to be alive.
6. Drop 3% bodyfat by the implementation of my own wellbeing plan.

everything is happening so fast...the future is already the past.

It seems that I only log on this bitch when there are significant ideological shifts. Well, I guess that's what highlights are, right?

Anyway, as always...the times are a'changing. I found someone that is seemingly amazing. We get along on multiple levels....and I feel that same obsessive love feeling that has been absent since Dan. Though, what differs is the fact that moderation must be exercised. He has his own life and I have mine. Where as before my relationship with Dan was more or less the formation of one person with one identity--which isn't healthy. I think that most of the problems spawned from the fact that Dan didn't have a job, was a raging alkie (and not a happy drunk either) and lacked motivation. Julian is the total opposite, thank God.

There were some constant internal struggles I have faced with Julian. He, himself is such a special person. Though, when he is around his friends (that are pick-up artists) I feel highly uncomfortable. Not sure if its a "me thing" or not. The depth of conversation is lacking around them. Or perhaps we just have varied interests. ...And by varied interests I mean that my opinion about things is automatically wrong because I am a female. Although, what would I know about the female psyche...I'm only a girl. :/ Its hard to accept that your perspective is automatically discounted based on this old-school mentality. Not in any way saying that I am right and they are wrong...life is just perspective. Period. I guess understanding that is a concept a bit too advanced for those playful kids. As always, I wish them nothing but the best in their future endeavors.

With regards to my past issues at hand: Dan and I's break-up was absolutely heinous. Fuck, that shit sucked. I really don't want to go through that again. As is life. You can't give up the highs in fear of the lows. You will never be happy if you can never loosen up and take a few risks every now and then.

Ryan is a truly amazing person. Our break-up was kinda awkward. He didn't handle it with really any degree of tact or maturity. Although, that was somewhat expected. I know one day, hopefully soon, he will be able to communicate with me like an adult....and I am sure it is only a matter of time before we become close friends again. His talents and personality are far too outstanding to live without in my life. Obviously, him and I on a romantic level (non-existent) did not really mesh...but, our ideas, creativity, vigor and work-ethic will change the world for generations to come.

I miss Chicago like a bitch. I cannot even express in words how much I miss my close friends. I really want them to see my sister and I's pool house. Meet with Julian, Remo, Jeff, Hady, Emily and others for which I have grown fond of. Give me some perspective on my new little niche on Earth. All of this is happening so fast...The future is already the past.

Equinox received my 2 weeks notice a few days ago. Decided that its time I start something on my own. I have a couple of private clients...have to work like hell to build a few more. Next post I'll elaborate.

Til then...

Ciao

long journey short...

The past couple of months in review. Sorry on the delay...Its been crazy.

An Ode...

Its been quite sometime since we last enthralled ourselves in engaging correspondence. Hopefully life has been nothing short of stellar for you and the countless loved ones entangled within your existence. The weather has finally broke, birds are chirping and Mother Nature is flaunting her majestic beauty to us once again. Regardless of our prior speculations that she had a vendetta against the stern and forgiving skyline of Chicago and surrounding suburbscape (perhaps she didn’t know that Wisconsin is responsible for our volatile beaches) Mother Nature finally blew the winds of change in our favor. I am sure you took in that much needed breath of fresh air and vitality.

My prior condition must have been oxygen definency…because, after my first deep yoga breath of that warm, life-infused breeze--my life suddenly changed course. The breath must have been more lie one hell-of-a gasp because the seasons suddenly changed from an icy winter to the most temperate, sunny day of summer. I am not sure if the shift was prompted by a spontaneous change of life philosophy but, it seemed reasonable not to question it. After all, ignorance is sometimes bliss (so it seems). I blindly rode on my newly re-discovered and long-awaited wind current. The wind system must have been part of a mid-latitude cyclone because I had a few run-ins with some lightening but, was thankfully spared. Then, at what seemed to be the exact moment when the tropopause was reached, a giant gust snatched me and started to tumultuously blow in the direction of the pacific. Like a seedling of a mighty oak tree on a brisk day in fall, I blew, flew, twisted and turned until I landed. So, here I am in Los Angeles. A new seedling finally sprouting roots.

Long story abridged…A couple of weeks ago my family found out that my brother needs a kidney transplant. Being the member of my family who had the least amount of responsibilities in Chicago--I offered to move to LA in order to help him out and offer up an organ. So, within five-days I had my car packed and ready for my cross-country relocation. Within a couple days of being in LA I got a job as a personal trainer at the Equinox Fitness in West Hollywood (one of the top gyms in the country). For a 21-year-old with a Marketing Degree this job is heaven-sent. Within a few months I will be working with celebrity clients, which illustrates to me I am the luckiest girl in the world. The scenery and weather is beautiful. My brother is doing quite well (all things considered). And, I wake up every morning with a smile. Life is good. : )

Wishing you everything…

Sweet Jesus

the past seven days have been out of control...

My brother got very sick out of nowhere. It turns out that he needs a kidney transplant. I am beckoned by my parents out to LA.

So, within five days the following aspects of my life dramatically changed:
-Quit my job at the Euro sports bar
-Move to a different geographical region than my significant other
-Move out of my apartment
-Change career paths
-Get rid of the majority of my belongings...again. Anything that wouldn't fit in the back of my stang had to go.
-Sick family member
-BAF

I left Chicago with 18 dollars in my bank account...